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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26700112">as our hourglass turns</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/nettlestingsoup/pseuds/nettlestingsoup'>nettlestingsoup</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Stray Kids (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>10th Century, 15th Century, 17th Century, 1920s, 1980s, Angst with a Happy Ending, Child Abuse, Disabled Character, Friends to Lovers, HIV/AIDS, Implied Sexual Content, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Magic, Past Lives, Period-Typical Homophobia, Running Away, Secret Relationship, Suicide, Temporary Character Death, Unresolved Romantic Tension, god this is so many tags but the content is spread out i promise, tagged as time period followed by time period relevant tags, the following tags relate to specific chapters</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 05:35:17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>9</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>24,270</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26700112</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/nettlestingsoup/pseuds/nettlestingsoup</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Jisung never wanted to fall in love with Hyunjin.</p><p>It was something that happened without warning, without fanfare, and he's been dealing with the consequences of it for almost five years. It would be fine, he thinks, if Hyunjin loved him back; but he doesn't, and Jisung does his best not to let that hurt.</p><p>Or at least, this version of Hyunjin doesn't.</p><p>The discovery of a stone circle in the woods shows Jisung that their current life together might not be the only one; and maybe, if he ignores the way it seems to sap his strength and his warmth, Jisung can find a life where Hyunjin adores him the way Jisung wants to be adored.</p><p>But their current lives keep ticking on regardless; and as things begin to shift between the two of them, it becomes apparent that in searching so desperately for the Hyunjin he wants, Jisung might lose the one he has.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Bang Chan/Lee Minho | Lee Know, Han Jisung | Han/Hwang Hyunjin, Kim Seungmin/Yang Jeongin | I.N, Lee Felix/Seo Changbin, Minor or Background Relationship(s)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>100</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>222</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. anywhere you need to go</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hello! It has been a WHILE since I actually wrote this; I'm gradually getting through the backlog of fic I have before I reach my unfinished ones, and this one took me a particularly long time to edit. But it's here now!</p><p>The tags for this are weird, but the system should become apparent as I post; I will be putting warnings at the beginnings of particularly heavy chapters when they come up.</p><p>Updates every two days!</p><p>Thank you for reading &lt;3</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>As far as he knew, Jisung had been in love with Hyunjin since they were fifteen.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He had realised it on a summer’s day, when the two of them were pretending to study for their exams out on the fields behind the school. Hyunjin had laughed at a text from Changbin, and Jisung had watched the wind rustle his hair, and he had realised that somewhere down the line, he’d fallen in love.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>After that, he never figured out how to make it go away.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He’d tried, once Hyunjin and Changbin started dating and his heart had broken at the sight of them together; even though that hadn’t lasted, had been a typical high school fling, Jisung had known what it meant.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Hyunjin didn’t love him back.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>So, Jisung had done his best not to love him. He’d dated a girl he’d sort of liked before Hyunjin, and that had lasted longer than Hyunjin and Changbin had, at least. But Jisung had realised that his problem wasn’t going away, and had broken up with her before things had gotten serious. She had cried, and her friends had glared at him, and he’d almost wanted to tell her why.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Almost.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And since then, things had stayed the same between the two of them. Best friends. Joined at the hip.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Let’s go to the same uni," Hyunjin had pleaded. "Come on, Jisung. They have degrees we both want."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"We can apply and see if we get in," Jisung had said reasonably, and it had turned out perfectly, their dorms just across the park from one another.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Still best friends.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But it wasn’t just the two of them now; they had remained close with Changbin, and he and his boyfriend Felix would visit from the arts college across the city, dragging their friend Chan behind them, tugging off his headphones to force him to make conversation; Hyunjin’s brother Seungmin, someone Jisung had always been fond of, would make them all come to the cafe where his crush Jeongin worked, sighing over him intermittently while the manager, Minho chattered happily to them all. It was good.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And Jisung was fine with the way things were. Was fine with Hyunjin as his friend, and nothing more.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Absolutely fine.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>"I’m serious, Jisung," Minho told him as he leaned on the counter, watching Jisung stare at the cheesecakes on display. "He likes you."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"He doesn’t," Jisung muttered.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"He </span>
  <em>
    <span>does</span>
  </em>
  <span>. He’s glaring at me right now because he thinks I’m flirting with you." Minho wandered around the counter to stand beside him, moving close into Jisung’s space to point at a slice of cake behind the glass. "Look in a minute, I bet his face will be like thunder."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Jisung risked a glance as Minho leaned away. Hyunjin was looking down at the table, expression unclear. "He just looks like he’s reading the menu," he argued quietly.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Minho snorted. "Sure, and gripping the table hard enough to bruise the wood. I don’t get how you don’t see it."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"I don’t have to explain it to you," Jisung told him stubbornly. "Go back to teaching Jeongin heart latte art so he can give it to Seungmin."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Want me to make you a nice heart on your coffee? See how Hyunjin looks at me then?"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Fuck off, Minho," Jisung said, but he smiled through it, and Minho shot him a smile back.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Jisung tried to sneak another look at Hyunjin as he turned back to the table with his coffee. Nothing. Just Hyunjin, beautiful as always.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He sighed. He needed something else to occupy him so that he wouldn’t start obsessing over this again. It hurt enough when he </span>
  <em>
    <span>wasn’t</span>
  </em>
  <span> thinking about it constantly. Perhaps he’d take up hiking again. Explore the woods behind the campus. It had been a way of coping when he was seventeen and tired of everything, not feeling like he could turn to anyone. Maybe the forest air would clear his head of Hyunjin.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Saturday, he decided. He'd dig out his boots and go hiking on Saturday.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Paying for his cheesecake and crossing over to his friends’ table, Jisung slumped down between Seungmin and Chan on the sofa they’d chosen. Seungmin immediately feigned disgust, and Chan laughed as he half-climbed onto Hyunjin’s chair in an attempt to escape.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Seungmin, come back," Jisung begged. "I’ll buy you cake next time we’re here."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Seungmin collapsed back onto the sofa, laughing. "Ok. Sounds good. Buy me the strawberry one next time they have it in."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"I’ll ask Minho to make it," Jisung promised.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"You think he'd do it?"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Yeah, I buy all his cheesecake. He likes me." Jisung remarked casually, and pointedly kept his eyes away from Hyunjin. He wasn't going to be the person who looked for any slight reaction from their crush, no matter what Minho said.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Hyunjin’s phone buzzed, and he banged on the table a few times to get the attention of the others. "Felix and Changbin are hosting board games on Saturday. Who’s in?"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Seungmin and Chan cheered, raising their arms above their heads, and Hyunjin’s gaze fell on Jisung.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Jisung?" he asked, and Jisung did his best to ignore the way his heart jumped a little in his chest. "Are you not coming?"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Nah," Jisung said. "I’m going hiking on Saturday."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Hyunjin blinked at him, looking a little surprised. "Oh! Ok. Text me when you get home safe, yeah?"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Sure," Jisung replied. Hyunjin smiled slightly at him, and for a moment it felt like they were alone at the table. Alone in the cafe. But Hyunjin’s phone buzzed again and the moment broke like a spun sugar ball.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Hiking, Jisung thought to himself as he sipped his coffee. Forest air. It would do him a world of good.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>On Saturday morning, Jisung dug out his hiking boots and his old rucksack, throwing in a bottle of water and some energy bars. After a moment’s thought, he added his portable charger and a spare pair of socks. He didn’t know how many streams he’d have to cross, after all.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The day was bright and clear, the campus bathed in wintry sunlight that cut through into Jisung’s lungs like ice. Jisung thought he could see mist among the trees despite it, the pines still clinging to winter as spring burst out around them. But he’d wrapped up warmer than necessary, deciding that he could just remove some layers if he got too warm, so he wasn’t particularly worried.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Once Jisung was among the trees, happily following a trail so thin he thought it must have been made by deer rather than people, it was as though the mist had never been. He was glad of it; it would have been pleasantly cooling, but he liked to be able to see where he was going.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Higher and higher he climbed, letting his worries fall away as twigs and pine needles skittered beneath his feet. He sort of wished Seungmin was with him. He’d come on hikes once or twice when Jisung had first taken it up as a hobby, walking beside him mostly in silence. It had been exactly the kind of company Jisung needed, and he wouldn’t mind it now.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He was never sure if Seungmin knew how he felt about Hyunjin. Jisung had never told him, not directly. But he was oddly observant at times, and he’d known Jisung just as long as Hyunjin had.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>If he did know, he’d never said anything about it, and Jisung was more than a little grateful for that.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Jisung shivered, glancing up from his feet as the cold pulled him from his thoughts. The mist </span>
  <em>
    <span>was</span>
  </em>
  <span> descending now, quickly enough to startle him a little. He checked his phone. No signal. Ok. That was fine.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He’d climb up to the top of the hill, Jisung decided. He hadn’t been far away from a peak, and he’d probably get a good view and maybe even a signal up there. It was better than heading down in a random direction and ending up miles away from home.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>So he kept on climbing.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The mist grew colder.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And colder.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And colder.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Jisung thought he could feel the surface of his eyes freezing.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He reached out blindly, hoping for something, anything to guide him through the endless fog.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>His fingertips met stone.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The air around him cleared.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Jisung gasped, feeling the cold retreat from his skin. What had happened there? Where was he? He turned in a circle, rubbing the last of the ice from his fingertips. Standing stones. He was on the edge of a ring of standing stones. There were twelve, each of them taller than him by about a foot and encrusted with silvered lichen.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Slowly, Jisung ran his fingertips over the stone. Something about the motion made him dizzy, and he pulled his hand away, unintentionally stumbling further into the circle. His head spun, light as air and mist and snow, and he barely had time to register that he was falling before he hit the ground.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>"Jisung? Jisung, are you ready to go?"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>That was Hyunjin’s voice. What was Hyunjin doing up in the mountains?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Come </span>
  <em>
    <span>on</span>
  </em>
  <span>, Jisung, we need to get going if I’m going to wheel you there by lunchtime."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Slowly, Jisung opened his eyes.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He wasn’t in the forest.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Ok. Open eyes is a good start. Now sit up for me, I’ll help you into your chair."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Jisung looked up at Hyunjin, eyes adjusting to the dim light of the room. He looked… strange. His hair was long, longer than Jisung had ever seen it; the ends of it brushed his chest. And his clothes; Jisung recognised them, vaguely. He’d seen them on TV, he thought. In dramas.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Goryeo</span>
  </em>
  <span>, something told him from the back of his skull. </span>
  <em>
    <span>You’re in Goryeo</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But that didn’t make sense at all.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Hey, are you ok?" Hyunjin asked, reaching to touch his cheek. "You’re quiet this morning."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Yeah," Jisung said without thinking, words slipping out almost against his will. "Yeah, I’m just kind of out of it."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Hyunjin frowned. "Are you in pain? Do you not want to go today?"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They were going out today, Jisung remembered. Testing out the improvements Jisung had made to his makeshift wheelchair. Hyunjin was going to take him out to the fields.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>How did he know that?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"No," he said slowly. "I’m not in pain."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Ok," Hyunjin said, smiling. He seemed relieved. Perhaps Jisung was in pain often. That seemed right, Jisung thought. That seemed to fit. "You ready?"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Jisung nodded, and Hyunjin crouched beside him, sliding one arm carefully underneath Jisung’s legs. They were twisted and crippled, Jisung noticed distantly, unable to support his weight. Somehow, the thought didn’t scare him. It was as though he’d always been that way. As if he’d always had Hyunjin to take care of him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"One, two, </span>
  <em>
    <span>three</span>
  </em>
  <span>," Hyunjin counted, lifting him carefully on three. Jisung suppressed a gasp at how easily Hyunjin could carry him; he was thinner here than he usually was, he supposed, could see the bones of his own wrists more clearly.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He still didn’t know what was happening.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But all of this felt normal, somehow.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Gently, Hyunjin set him down in a woven chair; it creaked beneath his weight, and Jisung glanced to the side to see a rough wheel attached there. A wheelchair. He had a wheelchair. He had built it, he remembered, sitting on the floor weaving wicker while Hyunjin worked in the fields to feed the both of them.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>To take care of him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Ready to go?" Hyunjin asked.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Absolutely," Jisung agreed. "Let’s hope it doesn’t skew to the right this time."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Hyunjin laughed, bright and lovely, and Jisung couldn’t help but smile. "If it does, I’ll dump you in the river again."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"As long as you pull me out," Jisung said. He slapped his leg. "These aren’t exactly good for swimming."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"You don’t need to swim," Hyunjin told him as he wheeled him towards the door. "I’ll take you anywhere you need to go."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He would, Jisung realised. He always had. Since they were children, their parents old friends, Hyunjin had taken care of him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The thought warmed him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Outside, the sunlight was bright and warm, trees in full bloom. Children played in the streets with spinning tops, their mothers chatting over their laundry.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Jisung was in </span>
  <em>
    <span>Goryeo</span>
  </em>
  <span>. He knew it with all the surety he knew his own name.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>A past life, he thought suddenly. Was that what this was? Was this what he and Hyunjin had been, all those centuries ago? Orphans, one a farmer and the other a cripple, promising to take care of one another as long as they lived.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It sounded like them.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Huh,” Hyunjin remarked. "I don’t think it’s skewing. We seem to be going in a straight line."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Try going faster," Jisung suggested, and Hyunjin laughed as he started jogging gently, the chair rattling over bumps in the street.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"That fast enough?"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Faster!" Jisung shouted, words almost lost in his laughter, and when he tilted his head back Hyunjin was laughing too, the sun settled behind him like a halo.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He looked perfect.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They reached the outskirts of the town in no time with Jisung setting the pace, and Hyunjin slowed to a halt as the terrain grew rougher. "No speeding around now," he said. "Or I’ll tip you out of this thing by accident."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"It’s working well, though," Jisung pointed out.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"It is!" Hyunjin agreed. "You did a good job building it." He reached down to run his fingers gently through Jisung’s hair. "You always were clever. Better at every game than me."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"You were the one who taught me how to play them," Jisung countered. "Never would have gotten anywhere without you."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Oh, I think you’d have found a way," Hyunjin said as he began to wheel him through the long grass.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Wouldn’t have been half as fun," Jisung said, and Hyunjin squeezed his shoulder affectionately.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"How about there?" he suggested, pointing to a nearby tree. "Under the willow."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Looks good," Jisung agreed, and he let his hand drift through the flowers as Hyunjin walked him there. It really was the perfect day for a picnic. The perfect day to be with Hyunjin.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>His best friend.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"I packed all your favourites," Hyunjin told him. "But you look kind of tired." He sounded worried. "Are you sure you’re not in pain? I know your hips haven’t been great lately."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"It hurt last night," Jisung admitted. He could remember it so clearly; lying awake in the dark with gritted teeth, trying to hold in a sob so as not to wake Hyunjin. "I didn’t sleep much."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Jisung," Hyunjin said softly. "You should have woken me. We’ve got plenty of willowbark, you don’t need to-"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"You were tired yesterday," Jisung argued gently. "You needed the rest." He closed his eyes. "And I can sleep here. You chose a good spot for sleeping, the sun isn’t in my eyes."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He heard Hyunjin snort, and he smiled. "Ok," Hyunjin said. "You can sleep here. I’ll wake you in an hour so you can eat, ok?"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Sounds good," Jisung murmured sleepily. He really was tired. And the sun was warm through the willows, the sound of the river soothing. And Hyunjin was with him. Nothing could harm him if Hyunjin was here.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Little by little, he fell asleep.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. stay safe out there</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>More Hyunjin being soft and somewhat overprotective in this chapter! Next update Friday &lt;3</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Jisung sat up in bed, breathing hard. He couldn’t get his bearings for a moment, mind still stuck in the freezing mist, the circle of stones, beneath the willow tree.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But he was in his room.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>How had he gotten back to his room?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He had been in the woods. In the stone circle among the mist, high up in the hills. Had he dreamed it? </span>
  <span>A chill in his chest told him otherwise, the remnants of the cold beneath the trees still resting in his bones.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jisung scrambled to the end of his bed. His boots were on the floor, soaked through, the spaces in the soles packed with mud and pine needles. A scrap of frilled silver lichen was caught in the laces. He </span>
  <em>
    <span>hadn’t</span>
  </em>
  <span> dreamed it. He’d really been out there.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Shifting back up his bed, Jisung reached for his phone. It was 10pm, hours since he set off hiking, and he had six missed calls from Hyunjin. He called him back without thinking, and Hyunjin picked up immediately.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Jisung?" he asked frantically, sounding almost as though he’d been crying. "Jisung, are you ok?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Yeah," Jisung said vaguely, his mind still a little focused on the other Hyunjin, and the way his hair had draped over his shoulders, long and sleek and lovely. "I’m fine."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Did you only just get back?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"No, I… I’ve been back a while," Jisung admitted. He thought he had, at least. He wasn’t entirely sure.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I told you to text me when you got home!" Hyunjin shouted at him. "I’ve been worried sick, Jisung."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jisung winced as he held his phone a little further from his ear. "Sorry. I meant to, I really did, I just… I hiked way further than I had planned to, and I literally fell asleep as soon as I got home. I’m still in my clothes."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You </span>
  <em>
    <span>idiot</span>
  </em>
  <span>. I thought you’d fallen off a cliff and died." For a moment, only the crackle of his breath came through the phone, and Jisung hated the way he savoured the sound. "I’m glad you’re ok."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Thanks. I’m really sorry for not texting."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"It’s fine, just… don’t do it again, ok? Please, Jisung. I’ve been fucking frantic."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I’m sorry, Hyunjin. I really am."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You should be," Hyunjin told him, but it sounded more fond than upset, tone softening now that he knew Jisung was ok.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"How were board games?" Jisung asked, and Hyunjin laughed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Good," he said. "Chan kept winning. I need you on my team."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I’ll be there next time," Jisung promised.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Nice. Felix, Changbin, and I are gonna go to Minho’s tomorrow, want to join us?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"What, so you can tell me off more?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Exactly."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Fine," Jisung agreed, unable to hold back a smile. "I’ll come along."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"See you there at two?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Cool. Night, Hyunjin."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Night, Jisung."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hyunjin hung up a moment later, and Jisung stared at his phone for a moment before laying it face down on his bedside table. Hyunjin had been worried about him. The thought brought him more warmth than it should have done.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Heading to the shower, Jisung let his mind drift back to the stone circle. It made no sense. It had been real, he was sure of it; but how could it be? How could he fall into his past life, over a thousand years ago?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He had to go back. He felt it like an ache, that odd shard of ice in his sternum stinging with cold as he thought about the stones. He had to </span>
  <em>
    <span>understand</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Monday, he decided. He only had one lecture on Monday. He’d meet his friends tomorrow, give his boots time to dry, and search for the stone circle on Monday. Just to try to make sense of things.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>With a solid plan in mind, Jisung put on his pyjamas, brushed his teeth, and settled back into bed, dreaming of willow branches and sunlight.</span>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>He slept late the next morning, some exhaustion from the previous day weighing heavily on him. There was still a faint hint of cold in his chest, as though someone had pierced a needle-thin hole through him. He was probably getting ill, Jisung decided; it was that time of year, after all.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was past noon when he dragged himself out of bed and into the shower, a playlist Hyunjin had made for him in the middle of their final year playing from his speaker. It was mostly peppy kpop girl groups songs; something to get him moving, get him up and out of his head. It worked, Jisung admitted. Although perhaps that wasn’t a surprise, given how well Hyunjin knew him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He left his flat at around half one, giving him plenty of time to wander across to Minho’s; there was a chill in the air, biting at his skin, and Jisung couldn’t help thinking about the stones. The mist around them, turning him to ice from the outside in.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jisung shivered as though a physical motion could shake off the thought, could dispel the chill in his chest. It didn’t.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>None of his friends were there when he arrived, but Jeongin perked up at the sight of him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Hey, Jisung," he said, peering around him hopefully. "Are the others coming?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Just Hyunjin, Changbin, and Felix, I’m afraid," Jisung told him. "No Seungmin today." Jeongin flushed pink, looking down at the counter, and Jisung offered him a reassuring smile. "You should try talking to him. I mean it."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jeongin shook his head. "Nah. I couldn’t, I…" he sighed. "I just couldn’t. But thanks. What can I get for you?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Uh, large chai latte and a slice of the caramel cheesecake, thanks."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jeongin snorted. “I swear you support our entire cheesecake output.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"In that case, I’ll take another one to go."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Sure. I’ll bring your chai over to you."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jisung paid and wandered over to a booth, scrolling through social media and waiting for someone to text saying they’d be late. No one did, and Jisung sighed as he sipped his latte. At least he had some time to kill, he supposed. Opening the search engine on his phone, he pulled up a map of the area surrounding his university. The forests were there, denoted by neat little pine trees, and Jisung did his best to approximate his path up into the hills.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nowhere on the map could he see a stone circle.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Perhaps that wasn’t surprising, he thought. Perhaps an Ordnance Survey Map was too official to mark random stone circles on their maps. So, he searched a little more, trying every combination of words he could think of with the words ‘stone circle’. The name of his university. The name of the city. The name of the forest.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nothing. Not even a trace.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was reading up on the nature of stone circles when the others arrived. "Sorry we’re late," Hyunjin said, a little breathlessly. "The bus broke down."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You guys were on the same bus?" Jisung asked with a frown. "You live ages away from each other."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Hyunjin stayed over at ours," Felix explained. "He got himself in kind of a tizz yesterday, and… I don't know, I thought it wouldn’t be good to leave him on his own."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jisung felt his stomach drop. "I’m sorry," he said to Hyunjin. "I really am. I didn’t mean to worry you, I was just so </span>
  <em>
    <span>tired</span>
  </em>
  <span> when I got in, and-" </span>
  <em>
    <span>and I fell asleep in a magic stone circle and I don’t know why I’m lying to you about it.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>"Hey, it’s ok," Hyunjin told him, reaching across the table to squeeze his hand gently. "Just don’t do it again."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I won’t," Jisung promised, and his heart lifted as Hyunjin smiled. He really was too beautiful for it to be fair.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Did you have a good time, though?" Changbin asked. "It’s been a while since you went hiking."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I didn’t even know you hiked," Felix pointed out.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jisung laughed. "Yeah, it’s an old hobby I just picked up again. But it was so good! The hills are honestly great around here. Not found many official trails on the map, but as long as I know that down leads me home, right?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Fair enough," Changbin agreed, and Hyunjin shot Jisung a faintly disapproving glance.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Stay safe out there, Jisung," he ordered.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Yeah," Changbin added, eyes wide as he leaned over the table as though telling a secret. "I’ve heard those woods are cursed."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jisung smiled. "I’ll be fine. You don’t need to worry."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Minho brought the rest of the coffees over before the conversation could progress, and he laughed at the sight of the cheesecake box on the table.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I swear you’re my best customer," he teased, and Jisung shrugged.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You make the best cheesecake in town."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Not the world? You wound me, Han Jisung." He picked up Jisung’s empty mug. "Want a refill?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"That’d be great, thanks. Did Jeongin go home?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Nah, he’s on break. He was sighing too much, so I relegated him to the back room. I suppose that has to do with your brother’s absence," he said to Hyunjin.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Yeah, probably," Hyunjin agreed. Something about his tone fell flat, and Jisung examined his expression for any trace of what might have upset him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Seungmin tries not to come in too often so it doesn’t look like he’s a stalker," Felix told Minho, and he laughed loudly enough to attract the attention of half the other customers.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Jeongin really wouldn’t mind if Seungmin </span>
  <em>
    <span>slept</span>
  </em>
  <span> here. Tell him to visit more, and maybe bring an ardent confession of love with him. Maybe attached to a kitten that I could then keep. Jeongin isn’t allowed pets in his apartment building."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He disappeared before any of them could answer, and Felix laughed, leaning his head on Changbin’s shoulder. "He’s seriously like a whirlwind, huh?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Pretty much," Jisung agreed. Hyunjin said nothing, and Jisung poked his hand gently. "You ok in there?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Yeah," Hyunjin said, smiling slightly. "Yeah, I’m good. I really should have dragged Seungmin here, though."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"And watched him and Jeongin pine from across the room?" Changbin pointed out. "No. We see enough of that."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"We do," Hyunjin admitted. "Did Seungmin tell you about the play he’s been cast in, though?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"What?" Jisung exclaimed. "That’s so cool!"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They whiled away the hours like that, talking about Seungmin and board games and nonsense until Minho told them, not unkindly, that he was kicking them out.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"See you guys soon, yeah?" Jisung called as they parted ways, Hyunjin heading back to Felix’s to gather his belongings.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Yup!" Felix shouted while Changbin waved, his other arm draped over Felix’s shoulder.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Text me when you get home!" Hyunjin added. "I mean it this time!"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I will!" Jisung promised, and he caught Hyunjin smiling as he turned away.</span>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>He texted Hyunjin as soon as he was through the door.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Jisung</span>
  </em>
  <span>: home safe!</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Hyunjin</span>
  </em>
  <span>: nice</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Jisung</span>
  </em>
  <span>: wow that was quick were you waiting for me to text you</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Hyunjin</span>
  </em>
  <span>: yes</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Hyunjin</span>
  </em>
  <span>: i meant it when i said i wanted you to be safe</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jisung didn’t quite know what to say to that. He thought about it for a moment, typing out responses and then deleting them.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Jisung</span>
  </em>
  <span>: i’ll always be safe with you looking out for me!<br/></span>
  <em>
    <span>Hyunjin</span>
  </em>
  <span>: you’d better be<br/></span>
  <em>
    <span>Hyunjin</span>
  </em>
  <span>: or i guess i’d have to get pissed at /myself/ if you got hurt</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Hyunjin</span>
  </em>
  <span>: since i was supposed to be looking out for you</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Jisung</span>
  </em>
  <span>: it won’t come to that</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Hyunjin</span>
  </em>
  <span>: it better not</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Hyunjin</span>
  </em>
  <span>: any evening plans?<br/></span>
  <em>
    <span>Jisung</span>
  </em>
  <span>: i was gonna go straight to sleep ngl</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Jisung</span>
  </em>
  <span>: really tired myself out yesterday</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Hyunjin</span>
  </em>
  <span>: ok</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Hyunjin</span>
  </em>
  <span>: make sure you look after yourself</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Jisung</span>
  </em>
  <span>: i will!</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Hyunjin</span>
  </em>
  <span>: sleep well</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Jisung</span>
  </em>
  <span>: you too when you get around to it haha</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The replies stopped coming after that, so Jisung plugged in his phone to charge, pottering around his flat for a little longer. His boots were mostly dry. They should be fine by the next day, he decided, if not perfect.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He did a little more reading on stone circles as he sat in bed, wrapped in an extra blanket to dispel the persistent chill in his chest, scrolling through page upon page of ancient mythology. None of it really seemed helpful, or relevant to what he’d experienced.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He sighed, turning off his laptop. He’d go back. Find the circle again. Make all of this make sense.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And maybe, he thought, he’d get to live another day in that life. See Hyunjin again, hair down past his shoulders, skin bare of makeup glowing in the sunlight.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Maybe.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. just the two of us</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I promise all this build up is very necessary, and you'll get another past life on Sunday! The pace picks up after that.</p><p>Thank you for reading &lt;3</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Jisung could barely sit still in his lecture on Monday; he’d wandered into the lecture hall in his hiking boots, aching with the urge to be among the trees again. He spent most of the time watching the clock rather than listening, and he was the first out the door when their lecturer dismissed them.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The text came just as Jisung was about to leave the range of his phone signal.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Seungmin</span>
  </em>
  <span>: hey are you free to hang out later?</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Jisung</span>
  </em>
  <span>: what time were you thinking of?</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Seungmin</span>
  </em>
  <span>: idk maybe like 4</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Seungmin</span>
  </em>
  <span>: minho keeps the cafe open until 6:30 on mondays</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jisung bit his lip. Four o’ clock. That gave him five or six hours up in the woods.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Jisung</span>
  </em>
  <span>: nice, I’ll see you there</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Seungmin</span>
  </em>
  <span>: nice</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Six hours. That was plenty of time.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jisung slipped his phone back into his pocket, and headed further into the trees. He wandered for a while, peering around dense copses and running up hills for any sight of mist and stones. They had to be there somewhere.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They </span>
  <em>
    <span>had </span>
  </em>
  <span>to be.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The next time he checked his phone, it was half past four.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Oh, </span>
  <em>
    <span>shit</span>
  </em>
  <span>," he muttered to himself, setting off scrambling down the hill. He had been out there for six and a half hours, wandering aimlessly, hoping for a glimpse of mist and stone. He had found nothing.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And now he was late.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He texted Seungmin as soon as he picked up the slightest bar of signal.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Jisung</span>
  </em>
  <span>: sorry sorry sorry i’m almost there<br/></span>
  <em>
    <span>Seungmin</span>
  </em>
  <span>: i was just about to text you</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Seungmin</span>
  </em>
  <span>: everything ok?</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Jisung</span>
  </em>
  <span>: yeah i’m just a dumbass</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Seungmin</span>
  </em>
  <span>: well that’s not news</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Jisung</span>
  </em>
  <span>: shut up i’ll see you in like 15 mins</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was out of breath by the time he ran into Minho’s at nearly five o’clock, the cold spot in his chest burning like an icy ember. Minho waved as though it was nothing unusual, pointing to Seungmin’s table. Jisung threw him a vague thumbs up and headed over.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Not like you to be late," Seungmin pointed out as he approached. "You’ve been early for everything since we were like, twelve."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Yeah," Jisung said, still panting slightly. "Sorry."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You been hiking?" Seungmin asked, looking down at his boots.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Mm. The woods are nice around here."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Nicer than my company?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"If you’re going to be mean to me, then yeah."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Seungmin laughed. "Come on, sit down. I’ll go get you a coffee or something."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Hey, you don’t have to-" Jisung started to say. "Wait. Are you only paying because Jeongin’s working today and you want an excuse to talk to him?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Don’t knock it, you’re getting free coffee."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Good point," Jisung admitted. "Go talk to your crush."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He waited while Seungmin wandered over to the counter, taking an unnecessarily long time to order one coffee. He was shivering, he realised, despite the fact that Seungmin had chosen a seat near the radiator. Perhaps the flu was going round again. It wasn’t uncommon among students.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Took you long enough," he joked as Seungmin sat down. "Did you find a way to implement world peace in that time?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Shut up, or I’ll tell Hyunjin you lost track of time in the woods again."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"How is that a threat?" Jisung asked, and Seungmin looked at him steadily for a long moment.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Did you really not pick up on how worried he was when you just disappeared?" he asked slowly. "He was freaking out, Jisung. There’s a reason Felix wouldn’t let him go back home, we all thought he was going to head up into the woods after you. If I tell him you spent too long out there again he’ll probably keep you locked in his bathroom."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jisung laughed a little, unsure of how to properly respond. "He shouldn’t worry so much," he said eventually, and Seungmin sighed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"No," he agreed. "He shouldn’t. You can look after yourself. But he </span>
  <em>
    <span>does</span>
  </em>
  <span> worry, Jisung. Just… keep that in mind, ok? That he worries about you."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I will," Jisung agreed softly, and Seungmin nodded approvingly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jeongin wandered over then, two drinks on a tray, and Jisung watched Seungmin’s posture shift a little, shoulders tensing as though he’d forgotten how to sit like a human being.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Hi," Jeongin said. "Chai latte for Jisung..." Jeongin placed it carefully in front of him. "And, um… I know you didn’t order this, but… you looked like you’d finished, but you guys tend to stay here for ages, so... it’s on the house." He blushed as he placed the other drink down in front of Seungmin.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Thanks, Jeongin," he said softly. "That’s really thoughtful."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Yeah, it’s… it’s not a problem. I’ll see you later." He hurried away, heading back to a grinning Minho, and Jisung laughed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"It’s like I’m not even here," he said. "He just talked straight at you the whole time."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Shut up," Seungmin grumbled, but Jisung could see him smiling behind the rim of his coffee mug.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Ask him out, man. I’m serious. Leave your number on a saucer or something."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"</span>
  <span>What if Minho picked it up?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Minho has been trying to get Jeongin to put hearts on your lattes, he’d absolutely deliver your number to him."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I don’t know," Seungmin said softly, and Jisung felt his heart sink a little. He’d forgotten that Seungmin got like this sometimes. So afraid of being rejected behind his mask of bright bitterness.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Seungmin," he said, "you know I wouldn’t push this unless I really thought you had a chance. I know we all tease you about this, but… trust us. We want you to be happy."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Yeah," Seungmin murmured. "I know."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"It doesn’t have to be today. But think about it, ok?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I will," Seungmin promised, and the conversation shifted to assignments, and learning lines for plays, and the types of trees growing up in the woods. Closing time rolled around too fast, and Seungmin pulled Jisung in for a hug before they parted ways.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Remember what I said, ok? About Hyunjin?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"And you remember what </span>
  <em>
    <span>I </span>
  </em>
  <span>said about Jeongin," Jisung countered.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Yeah, yeah. See you around."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"See you!"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The forest loomed in Jisung’s eyeline as he turned the corner towards his accommodation. It was dark now, too dark to head back out.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But he just wanted to know. Wanted to be sure he hadn’t dreamed it all.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tomorrow, he decided. He’d try again tomorrow.</span>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jisung didn’t find the stone circle the next day. Or the next. Or the next.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He casually rejected every suggestion to hang out for almost a week, forgetting his friends for the sake of the quiet among the trees, the glimpse of mist in the corner of his eye. If he ignored the ice in his chest, the way it was beginning to cut his energy, and pushed himself to climb just a little faster, he could make it almost to the top of the second-lowest peak and back down again in around three hours. Barely any time at all.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But he still couldn’t find the stone circle. It was endlessly frustrating; Jisung hadn’t dreamed it, had known from the state of his boots and his clothes that it had been real. But he couldn’t seem to find it again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He needed to find it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He </span>
  <em>
    <span>needed </span>
  </em>
  <span>to.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He couldn’t even really say why, beyond curiosity about other lives they might have lived. It felt like more than that somehow. A compulsion of some kind.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Seungmin texted him early one morning, before he’d headed up into the woods; his boots were on, laces half tied, but he paused on his bedroom floor to read the message.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Seungmin</span>
  </em>
  <span>: dude did you listen to a single word I said about hyunjin</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Jisung</span>
  </em>
  <span>: ??</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Seungmin</span>
  </em>
  <span>: it’s been six days since anyone saw you</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Seungmin</span>
  </em>
  <span>: he’s getting really stressed</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Seungmin</span>
  </em>
  <span>: you’ve barely even been texting him</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Jisung</span>
  </em>
  <span>: but I’m fine</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Seungmin</span>
  </em>
  <span>: yeah but he doesn’t know that does he</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Seungmin</span>
  </em>
  <span>: just come to the next meet up ok</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Seungmin</span>
  </em>
  <span>: no more cancelling</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Jisung</span>
  </em>
  <span>: ok</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Seungmin</span>
  </em>
  <span>: good</span>
</p><p>
  <span>A moment later, Seungmin messaged the group chat. Jisung couldn’t help but laugh. It was exactly like Seungmin, to trick him into agreeing to something.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Seungmin</span>
  </em>
  <span>: Minho’s today?</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Felix</span>
  </em>
  <span>: ooooh are you gonna ask Jeongin out</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Seungmin</span>
  </em>
  <span>: absolutely not</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Hyunjin</span>
  </em>
  <span>: :(</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Seungmin</span>
  </em>
  <span>: you’re my brother aren’t you supposed to be on my side</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Hyunjin</span>
  </em>
  <span>: i’m on the side of love</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Seungmin</span>
  </em>
  <span>: fuck off</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Chan</span>
  </em>
  <span>: sure i’m down</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Jisung</span>
  </em>
  <span>: yeah i’ll see you guys there</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Changbin</span>
  </em>
  <span>: finally</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Changbin</span>
  </em>
  <span>: we literally haven’t seen you in years</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Changbin</span>
  </em>
  <span>: jk it’ll be good to see you</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  
  <em>
    <span>Jisung</span>
  </em>
  <span>: yeah you too man</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Seungmin</span>
  </em>
  <span>: 3 then?</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Felix</span>
  </em>
  <span>: Changbin and I will be there</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Hyunjin</span>
  </em>
  <span>: yup!</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Chan</span>
  </em>
  <span>: i’ll see you there!</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Jisung</span>
  </em>
  <span>: niceeeeee</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Chan was leaning on the counter when Jisung arrived, chatting to Minho with his headphones slung around his neck; the two of them were laughing, dimples appearing in Chan’s cheeks as Minho leaned just a little closer into his space, and Jisung wondered for a moment if he and the others had been so caught up in Seungmin’s crush on Jeongin that they’d missed something.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Minho caught sight of him then, waving both arms above his head suddenly enough to make Chan jump, and Jisung almost doubled over laughing at the shock in his expression.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I’m sorry," Minho started saying, reaching over the counter to pat Chan on the shoulder. "Oh, I’m sorry, Chan. I’m sorry."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"It’s ok," Chan told him, still smiling. "I’m gonna go sit down now. I’ll see you, ok?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Ok," Minho said, eyes shining a little, and Jisung decided that they’d </span>
  <em>
    <span>definitely </span>
  </em>
  <span>missed something there. He’d leave it be, he decided as Changbin and Felix wandered in just as he and Chan sat down. Chan could be oddly sensitive about people interfering with his privacy, and Seungmin was more fun to tease anyway.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hyunjin and Seungmin arrived soon after; Hyunjin’s face lit up at the sight of Jisung, and as the two of them sat down on either side of him on the sofa he’d chosen, Hyunjin  immediately shifted close.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Jisung, you’re </span>
  <em>
    <span>cold</span>
  </em>
  <span>," he complained, frowning. "Are you ok?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jisung shrugged, trying to ignore the fleck of ice he’d been feeling ever since he started hiking. He hadn’t realised it was affecting his temperature enough for anyone else to feel it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I think I’m maybe getting sick," he said.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Spending too much time out in the woods," Hyunjin muttered, reaching around him to tap Seungmin on the shoulder. "Seungmin, Jisung’s cold. Help me cuddle him."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Give me one good reason," Seungmin countered, and Hyunjin shoved his shoulder, pouting slightly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I’m your older brother," he pointed out. "You have to do what I say."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I’m adopted," Seungmin grumbled, but he shifted closer to Jisung anyway, resting his head on his shoulder.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Better?" Hyunjin asked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Yeah," Jisung told him. "Thanks."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"It’s not a problem," Hyunjin said softly, reaching to take hold of his hand, and Jisung felt his heart beat a little faster for a moment. "Are you sure you’re ok? You haven’t really been around, and I-"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was interrupted by the sound of Chan and Changbin laughing from the other side of the table. "No, I’m sorry Felix, but </span>
  <em>
    <span>everyone</span>
  </em>
  <span> needs to see this," Chan was saying. "Guys, look how Felix fell asleep."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I’m never going to forgive you for photographing me," Felix muttered to Changbin, but when Changbin pouted in protest, Felix kissed his cheek quickly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jisung leaned forwards to look at the photo, cooing and laughing at the sight of Felix asleep against the washing machine.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I was just waiting for my pyjamas to come out the dryer," Felix complained, and Hyunjin pulled Jisung back against his side.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You’ve got to stay </span>
  <em>
    <span>warm</span>
  </em>
  <span>," he muttered, seeming a little upset that Jisung had pulled away, and Jisung didn’t quite know how to respond.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Ok," he said, tucking himself into the space under Hyunjin’s arm. "I will."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hyunjin didn’t reply, but he held Jisung close until they disassembled, everyone heading home in their opposite directions.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jisung thought about it perhaps more than he should. It wasn’t uncommon for Hyunjin to hold him; he had always joked that it was because Jisung was so much smaller than he was, saying that he just wanted to pick him up like a child. Jisung had always pretended to hate it, but it brought him a kind of warmth like nothing else when Hyunjin folded himself up around Jisung or curled as small as he could that he could fit into Jisung’s arms.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He always thought it meant so much more to him than it did to Hyunjin, though.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Despite his certainty that his feelings weren’t reciprocated, Jisung clung to the thought of it as he fell asleep that night; Hyunjin, holding him close. Keeping him warm.</span>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Hyunjin</span>
  </em>
  <span>: wanna hang out today? Just the two of us</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jisung stared at the text. It was rare, these days, that he and Hyunjin hung out one on one. If Jisung was honest, he tried to avoid it; it was easier to ignore his feelings for Hyunjin when other people were there, when he could distract himself by chatting to Felix or teasing Seungmin about Jeongin. If Hyunjin was just there, unfiltered by their other friends… Jisung just fell more in love with him every time.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Maybe he could use the cold in his bones as an excuse.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Hyunjin</span>
  </em>
  <span>: please jisung it’s been aaaages since we just hung out</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Jisung</span>
  </em>
  <span>: ok! Do you want to meet at Minho’s?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He thought about throwing his phone at the wall as soon as he sent the text. He was supposed to be getting over Hyunjin this year, not making it </span>
  <em>
    <span>worse</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Hyunjin</span>
  </em>
  <span>: we could go somewhere else? There’s a place in the park i’ve been wanting to try</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Jisung</span>
  </em>
  <span>: sure! When’s good?<br/></span>
  <em>
    <span>Hyunjin</span>
  </em>
  <span>: we could both set off asap and meet there when we do?</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Jisung</span>
  </em>
  <span>: sounds good, see you there!</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He sighed, staring around his flat. There must be some clean clothes somewhere. Mostly clean, anyway.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Once he’d managed to find something resembling an outfit, Jisung headed out; the weather was nice, the kind of icy brightness that promised warmth later in the day. It would be nice to be in the park when that happened.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The cafe itself was made out of an old shipping container; it was nicely furnished inside, all rustic wood and reclaimed armchairs, and Jisung immediately felt his heart lift as he caught sight of Hyunjin, curled up on a sofa upholstered in deep green corduroy.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Hey," he said, settling into the opposite armchair, and Hyunjin looked up with a brilliant smile. He looked… soft; wrapped in a long woollen cardigan that swamped his hands, hair still slightly damp from a shower. Jisung ignored the warmth that bloomed in his chest at the sight.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Hi, Jisung. You ordered yet?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Nah, I didn’t know if they’d come to us."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hyunjin shook his head. "You gotta go up to the counter. Come on, I’ll pay."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Hyunjin-"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"It’s been way too long since we did this. And you’re sick, so let me treat you, ok?" Jisung fell silent as Hyunjin took hold of his wrist gently, tugging him towards the counter. "They’ve got cheesecake," he told him, laughing slightly. "Look."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jisung peeked round him at the counter, cakes resting on neat wooden boards; there was a vanilla cheesecake there, decorated with flowers Jisung was almost certain were real.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Ooh," he said softly, and Hyunjin laughed loudly enough to turn heads.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They sat back down once they’d ordered, silencing settling between them for a moment.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Feels like exam season again," Jisung pointed out. "Maybe we both should have brought revision folders."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hyunjin laughed softly. "No way. I’m not giving myself that kind of back strain again. Or that kind of </span>
  <em>
    <span>emotional</span>
  </em>
  <span> strain."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Good point. Glad that’s over and done with."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Yeah," Hyunjin said softly, and the way the word trailed off made Jisung think he had something more to say. He waited. "That was when you started hiking," he said eventually. "When you were stressed and things got kind of bad."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I guess," Jisung muttered, shifting in his seat. That wasn’t particularly something he wanted to talk about.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I just- is everything ok, Jisung? You’ve been out in the woods so much lately, it’s like every time any of us want to see you, you’re hiking. And you’ve been getting kind of sick, too, your hands are still so cold... I just… I wanted to check in with you somewhere we could talk properly. Make sure you’re looking after yourself. That things haven't... gotten bad again."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jisung sighed. He knew what Hyunjin meant. Knew that he was worried that the stress and the pressure were getting too much again, that Jisung was pushing himself too hard and then needing to escape up into the woods to find some semblance of calm.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"It’s not that," he promised. "I just… it’s nice. To be in nature, you know? Get some exercise."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"If you’re sure," Hyunjin murmured, pushing his cake around his plate with a fork. "But you can always talk to me, Jisung, you know that?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Of course," Jisung confirmed. "Of course I know that."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Good. And no more disappearing off social media, ok? Let someone know if you’re heading up into the woods so we don’t panic when we don’t hear anything for hours." The two of them sat in companionable quiet for a moment, the low music from the speakers lulling them both into calm. "Maybe I could come with you, sometime," Hyunjin suggested hesitantly. "Hiking. I know you and Seungmin used to go together."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jisung raised his eyebrows. "Hyunjin, you don’t own a </span>
  <em>
    <span>single </span>
  </em>
  <span>piece of hiking gear. Get some decent boots, and then we can talk."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hyunjin laughed slightly, but Jisung thought he looked a little disappointed behind it. "Ok, ok. I’ll try to get my shit together on that front." His expression softened into something gentler, more golden. "I’m glad I got to see you today. It’s been way too long, Jisung."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I saw you yesterday," Jisung pointed out, and Hyunjin shrugged sheepishly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"That’s too long for me," he said, and Jisung didn’t have the faintest idea how to reply.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They wandered through the park together until Jisung started shivering, Hyunjin frowning as he pulled his coat tighter around him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Maybe you should lay off the hiking until this cold is gone," he suggested. "Just stay home for a few days."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Yeah, maybe," Jisung said vaguely, and Hyunjin’s answering sigh told him he hadn’t been particularly convincing.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Go home, Jisung. I’ll see you soon, ok?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Soon," Jisung agreed, waving as Hyunjin set off across the park, hands stuffed in the pockets of his cardigan. He sighed. That could have gone worse. It wasn’t like he was any more or less enamoured than before.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It wasn’t like Hyunjin had pressed him for the truth.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jisung wouldn’t have told him even if he had, he realised. He couldn’t. Not until he’d found the circle one more time.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Not until he knew for sure that this wasn’t all in his head.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. i owe you everything</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Another life! Warning for descriptions of abuse in this one.</p><p>Don't lie to your friends when they're concerned about you, even if you're going through some weird fantasy time travel thing. They're trying to help &lt;3</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>In the end, Jisung found the stones again by chance. He hadn’t even particularly intended to go hiking, but something about the aura of the woods as he left campus had drawn him in, up one of the little trails and into the shadows of the forest.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He struggled a little without his boots and proper coat, the soft soles of his shoes slipping on the moss as he pushed through low branches and swathes of vegetation. It had rained recently, and every motion sent a flood of carefully held water pattering down around him. Perhaps that was why Jisung didn’t look where he was going; perhaps he was too focused on shielding his head, on dodging the falling water. Whatever the reason, his foot landed wrong, passing through a lump of rotted wood that had seemed solid, and he went tumbling through the undergrowth, reaching out at random to try to slow his fall.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He felt the mist before he saw it, the cold hitting him like a wave.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>His fingertips brushed stone.</span>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>At first, everything was dark.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Then, the scrape of a match against a box. A flame in the dark, illuminating Hyunjin’s features in strange shadow before he lit the lamp beside him, gradually bringing the rest of the room to light.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Another life. It had to be.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They were in the belly of a ship, Jisung realised, curled between barrels, the dim lamp providing just enough shape to the darkness for him to make out the bruise marring Hyunjin’s cheek; the eye swollen shut; the bloody split of his lip.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Are you sure this is a good idea?" Hyunjin asked, crouching down beside him to feel the sway of the ship together. "Won’t we get caught?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"If we get caught, then we get caught," Jisung told him. "Would you rather have stayed?" Hyunjin didn’t answer, looking away, and Jisung reached out to gently touch the edges of the bruise. There were more like it on his ribs, he remembered, marks of boots and belts from his father. Hyunjin had cried when he’d shown Jisung, quiet, trembling sobs that spoke of too many nights trying not to attract attention, trying not to give his father excuses to hurt him. Jisung had reached out then, too, unable to stop himself from touching the marks as though his hands could heal them; Hyunjin’s breath had hitched in pain despite his gentleness, and in that moment Jisung would have torn the world in two to protect him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"We’re leaving," he had told him despite Hyunjin’s frightened protests. "We’re going somewhere no one will ever hurt you."</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Two days later, Jisung had made his way to Hyunjin’s house under the cover of darkness, following the careful directions he’d been given.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And when he’d heard cries of pain, Hyunjin’s voice so desperate and afraid, he hadn’t hesitated. Had run inside to save him, taking a poker from the fire and swinging it with all the strength his rage would lend him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He hadn’t meant for Hyunjin’s father to end up dead, blood pooling around Hyunjin’s bare feet from the crack in his skull.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They had fled, then, leaving bloody footprints on the street until the rain washed them clean. Had found a ship and scrambled aboard, hiding down among the barrels.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Thank you," Hyunjin said quietly through the semi-darkness, resting his head on Jisung’s shoulder. "For saving me."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You don’t need to thank me," Jisung told him softly. "You’re my best friend. I wasn’t going to let you get hurt anymore." They hadn’t known each other for quite so long in this life, he realised. They had met two years ago, in 1413, down by the docks. Hyunjin had been watching the ships, Jisung stealing from the market stalls; Hyunjin had seen him, had promised not to tell as long as Jisung stole him an apple. So Jisung had, and Hyunjin had smiled as he caught it out of the air, patting the pier next to him as an invitation to sit.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>That very first day, they had promised that they would sail together.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jisung hadn’t expected it to be quite so soon. He had thought they would be older, wiser, richer. Have a ship of their own. But he had needed to set Hyunjin free, so here they were, Hyunjin wincing as the bar of a barrel pressed against a bruise on his back.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jisung pulled off his shirt without a moment’s hesitation, bundling it up into a makeshift pillow for him. "Here," he said softly. "This will help."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Won’t you get cold?" Hyunjin whispered, and Jisung laughed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I used to sleep on the streets, Hyunjin. I’m fine. Just take it." Hesitantly, Hyunjin reached for the shirt, tucking it carefully between his spine and the barrel. "Better?" Jisung asked, and Hyunjin nodded, smiling slightly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Thank you," he said, reaching for Jisung’s hand. "Again."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You’re going to keep saying it, huh?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I am. Until you understand that I owe you everything."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jisung didn’t quite know what to say to that.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hyunjin fell asleep soon after, lulled by the rhythm of the water beneath them, his head still rested on Jisung’s shoulder. But Jisung couldn’t sleep.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He had someone to protect, after all.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The creak of footsteps on the stairs came as a surprise; Jisung hadn’t thought that anyone would come down so early in the voyage. He hurried to blow out the lamp, waking Hyunjin as quietly as he could.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Hello?" It was a man’s voice calling out to them, deep and rough with age. "Who’s down here? I saw your light just now."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The two of them stayed silent, breathing shallow and hushed. Jisung curled himself protectively around Hyunjin as best he could given the difference in their heights, ready to take a blow for him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>A light, shining over the barrels towards them.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Well, hello there, stowaways," the man said, and Jisung panicked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Don’t send us back," he pleaded quickly. "We’ll work, we promise, just- don’t send us back there."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Well, normally I would," the man told him slowly, "but it’s a little too late to send you back to land now." He lowered the lamp a little so that Jisung could see his face. He looked kind, eyes crinkled from smiling into sunsets, and Jisung dared to let himself relax a little. "Your friend alright?" Hyunjin turned, no longer hiding his face in Jisung’s chest, and the man let out a low whistle at the sight of the swollen, darkened skin of his cheek. "Ah. So that’s what you’re running from, is it? Well, you can trust there’ll be none of that here. I run a tight ship, but there’s a line between discipline and cruelty that no one here will cross." He reached out a hand. "You’re safe here, lads."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Slowly, one arm still wrapped around Hyunjin, Jisung took his hand. The captain pulled him to his feet, humming gently as one might to a wild animal as he did so, and Jisung decided, tentatively, that he felt safe with him. That was new, he realised. To feel safe. He had always been the protector in this life, always wary, always waiting to fight tooth and nail to protect what he loved.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He let his other hand slide down to link with Hyunjin’s, pulling him along with him. Letting him know that this was ok.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And Hyunjin looked at him, eyes so full of trust and hope that Jisung could scarcely bear it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Following the captain, they stepped out into the moonlight.</span>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jisung awoke as though surfacing from underwater; he hadn’t fallen asleep in the life he’d just lived, had no reason to have left it. But there he was, in his own bed, head spinning as he tried to make sense of it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But he’d found another life. He’d found another version of himself and Hyunjin, running  away to sea together, hand in hand in the belly of a ship. Hyunjin had been so afraid in that life; so in need of protection.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And there Jisung had been. Ready to give up anything for him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jisung swayed, still feeling some slight lull and rock of the waves beneath his bed, and the motion made him realise that he was perhaps even colder than before; or maybe it was that the cold had spread out from his sternum where it had settled, running through the marrow of his ribs and collarbones. He pulled off his jumper and t-shirt, reaching up hesitantly to touch the skin of his chest. It was ice cold. If he couldn’t feel the beat of his heart beneath it, steady and strong, he’d have thought himself dead.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Wrapping a blanket around his shoulders, Jisung reached for his phone. He’d missed a lecture, he realised as he stared at the time, along with several texts from Hyunjin asking how he was feeling.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jisung didn’t think he wanted to tell him that he was even colder. He didn’t think this was something Hyunjin’s warmth could fix.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He’d think of a reply after he took a shower, Jisung decided. He’d obviously collapsed straight into bed after he’d returned from the woods, and he could feel grease and dirt on his skin.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But the warm water and the softness of his well-worn pyjamas against his skin lulled him into sleep, and Jisung was curled up under his duvet before he remembered to reply.</span>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>The group chat was active during most of his lecture the next day, and Jisung spent a fair bit of it zoned out, staring at his phone as message after message popped up. It wasn’t as though he was focusing anyway, the sensation of ice in his chest too strong for him to think of anything much except the mist amongst the trees, the sensation of lichen beneath his fingertips. It was making him shiver, he realised, the girl next to him glaring as he jolted her pencil off the sloped desk.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Chan</span>
  </em>
  <span>: MY PROJECT IS FUCKING DONE</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Felix</span>
  </em>
  <span>: yayyyyyyyy!</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Changbin</span>
  </em>
  <span>: nice one!</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Seungmin</span>
  </em>
  <span>: yeah you can stop complaining about it now</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Chan</span>
  </em>
  <span>: :(</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Changbin</span>
  </em>
  <span>: seungmin be nice</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Seungmin</span>
  </em>
  <span>: fine i’ll buy you food</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Chan</span>
  </em>
  <span>: at minho’s?</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Felix</span>
  </em>
  <span>: minho’s minho’s minho’s</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Hyunjin</span>
  </em>
  <span>: i heard food mentioned</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Seungmin</span>
  </em>
  <span>: i’m not buying YOU food</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Hyunjin</span>
  </em>
  <span>: but i’m your brother</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Seungmin</span>
  </em>
  <span>: yeah exactly</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Seungmin</span>
  </em>
  <span>: Chan you can get two of everything as long as you don’t share it with Hyunjin</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Chan</span>
  </em>
  <span>: i can do that</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Hyunjin</span>
  </em>
  <span>: BETRAYAL</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Hyunjin</span>
  </em>
  <span>: ULTIMATE BETRAYAL</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Changbin</span>
  </em>
  <span>: i’ll buy you food hyunjin if you promise not to yell</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Hyunjin</span>
  </em>
  <span>: wow guess i’ll have to adopt you as my brother instead</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Seungmin</span>
  </em>
  <span>: you two dated once that would be so weird</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Changbin</span>
  </em>
  <span>: that literally lasted three weeks and i’m dating someone else now, i’m good to be adopted</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Felix</span>
  </em>
  <span>: hey hyunjin that makes me your brother in law if changbin and i get married</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Hyunjin</span>
  </em>
  <span>: omg this is perfect</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Hyunjin</span>
  </em>
  <span>: my true family</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jisung smiled, tucking his phone back into his pocket as students began to flood out of the lecture theatre. It was his only lecture of the day, and he planned to head back up into the hills again. He’d proved to himself, now, that he and Hyunjin had lived more than one life together before this one. There had to be more, if he looked. It was a little like an itch, this urge to find out more about the ways the two of them had lived.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>His phone buzzed in his pocket, and he opened the text from Hyunjin.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Hyunjin</span>
  </em>
  <span>: you coming to minho’s later?</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Hyunjin</span>
  </em>
  <span>: you never answered me about whether you were feeling better</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jisung bit his lip. He didn’t think Hyunjin would be happy to hear that he was spending more time in the woods. He worried, Seungmin had told him. And now that he thought Jisung was sick...</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Jisung</span>
  </em>
  <span>: nah i’ve got a new assignment to do</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Hyunjin</span>
  </em>
  <span>: you don’t have to stay the whole time</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Jisung</span>
  </em>
  <span>: honestly it’s HUGE i really need to start it</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Jisung</span>
  </em>
  <span>: and i feel mostly ok but i think i’m still sick, i don’t want you guys to catch it</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Jisung</span>
  </em>
  <span>: tell the others I’ll see them around ok?</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Hyunjin</span>
  </em>
  <span>: sure</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The message sounded terse, and Jisung considered sending an apology; but he stepped out into the field outside the lecture hall, a taste of spring in the air as the forest loomed large beyond the grass, and all thoughts of his friends slipped from his mind.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Two lives, side by side with Hyunjin. Protected by him, and protecting him in turn.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>How many more would he find when he went back?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The cold in his chest flared, bright and painful and taking his breath from him as it wrapped around his stomach.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He’d just try for one more life.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Just one more.</span>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jisung stayed in the forest until night had fallen, searching for the mist. He was shivering, he realised, despite his layers, the strange cold taking hold of all his bones. He wasn’t entirely sure where it was coming from, but he was beginning to suspect that the stones were somehow involved. He didn’t know how that could make sense, but it was the only explanation he could think of.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But still, somehow, he knew he just had to get back there.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Had to find Hyunjin again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It couldn’t hurt to try.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He checked his phone as he descended back into an area of signal, scrolling through notifications. A photo of the others from the group chat, captioned </span>
  <em>
    <span>wish you were here sungie!</span>
  </em>
  <span> Along with individual messages from a few of the others.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Chan</span>
  </em>
  <span>: good luck with your assignment! Don’t work too hard ok?</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Felix</span>
  </em>
  <span>: hey are you good for movie night the day after tomorrow? No pressure obvs if you’re busy</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Hyunjin</span>
  </em>
  <span>: where are you? I brought you some cheesecake but you wouldn’t answer your door so i just left it outside.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jisung bit his lip. Trust Hyunjin to be kind even while Jisung was lying to him.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Jisung</span>
  </em>
  <span>: sorry i tried to take a break from my assignment and i fell asleep</span>
</p><p>
  <span>A reply came through instantly.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Hyunjin</span>
  </em>
  <span>: ok</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Hyunjin</span>
  </em>
  <span>: if you’re sick of it we could hang out? Idk why but i’m kind of lonely tonight</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jisung thought about it. Hyunjin would ask about the assignment, most likely, and Jisung would have to tell yet another lie. He didn’t want to. Not to Hyunjin.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Jisung</span>
  </em>
  <span>: sorry i think i’ve just gotta buckle down and do it ygm</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Jisung</span>
  </em>
  <span>: tell me when you guys are next going to minho’s and i’ll see you there?</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Hyunjin</span>
  </em>
  <span>: ok</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Hyunjin</span>
  </em>
  <span>: i’ll see you then</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jisung slipped his phone back into his pocket, and kept on hiking through the dark, heading for the lights of the city.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It wasn’t until he got home that he saw the final text.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Hyunjin</span>
  </em>
  <span>: you’d tell me if i’d done something wrong, right?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jisung stared at it for a moment, guilt twisting his stomach.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Jisung</span>
  </em>
  <span>: you haven’t done anything wrong hyunjin</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Hyunjin</span>
  </em>
  <span>: that’s not an answer</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Jisung</span>
  </em>
  <span>: of course i’d tell you</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Jisung</span>
  </em>
  <span>: i tell you everything</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Not everything. Not stone circles and freezing mist and days passed centuries ago.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Hyunjin</span>
  </em>
  <span>: ok</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Hyunjin</span>
  </em>
  <span>: night</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Jisung</span>
  </em>
  <span>: night</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He put down his phone, ignoring the other texts he’d received. He’d deal with them in the morning, when he wasn’t so tired, and so cold. So, </span>
  <em>
    <span>so </span>
  </em>
  <span>cold.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When he could push the image of stone and mist out from behind his eyes.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. i want to take care of you</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Angst, angst, angst &lt;3</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Jisung headed out to Minho’s cafe the next morning; he had barely slept, plagued by strange dreams and woken again and again by what he thought might be a proper fever coming on. He needed chai, he decided. A very large volume of chai.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hyunjin was there when he arrived, waiting in the queue. Jisung poked his shoulder, watching his eyes light up with worry and joy.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Hey!" he said, voice bright with surprise. "You’re here! Make much progress on the assignment?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jisung shrugged. "I need chai," he said in response, and Hyunjin laughed shakily.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"That bad, huh? You know, Felix is worried about you."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Oh, shit. He texted me. Shit."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hyunjin frowned. "No offense, but you’ve been terrible at replying lately."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Yeah, I’ve… I’ve been kind of fuzzy. Still sick, I guess," Jisung said vaguely as he pulled out his phone.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Felix</span>
  </em>
  <span>: I guess that assignment’s really bugging you, huh? Like I said it’s fine if you’re too busy for movies, I get it!</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Felix:</span>
  </em>
  <span> hey, sorry to bug you but are you ok?</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Felix</span>
  </em>
  <span>: Jisung could you please just reply it’s been like twelve hours since anyone heard from you</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Jisung</span>
  </em>
  <span>: I am so so so so so sorry man</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Jisung</span>
  </em>
  <span>: i’m ok and i am good for movies tomorrow</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Jisung</span>
  </em>
  <span>: sorry</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Jisung</span>
  </em>
  <span>: the assignment literally killed me and i had to dig my way out of the grave like a zombie</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Felix</span>
  </em>
  <span>: you’re too lazy to dig your way out</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Felix</span>
  </em>
  <span>: you’d just wait for a graverobber and then eat him</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Jisung</span>
  </em>
  <span>: excuse you, i hike. And i have much better taste in brains than mere graverobbers</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"All good?" Hyunjin asked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Yeah, all good."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hyunjin sighed. "Look," he said quietly. "I know you told me that nothing was up, but- this isn’t like you, Jisung." His hand twitched forwards as though he wanted to take hold of Jisung’s, but he left it hanging at his side. "I’m worried. We’re all worried. You’re just… disappearing on us. You message less and less, you forgot about movie night, you cancel plans, you… it’s like you’re not here anymore, Jisung. It’s like-"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Oh, hey! If it isn’t my favourite customers." Minho called as the woman in front of them moved aside, and Hyunjin turned before Jisung could speak.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Can you leave us alone for like, two seconds?" he snapped, and Jisung and Minho both stared at him in horror.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Uh… sure," Minho said after a second. "Sure." He looked shaken, more than a little upset, and Jisung tugged sharply on Hyunjin’s scarf.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Hey, what the fuck was that?" he hissed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I just- I was trying to talk to you," Hyunjin said weakly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Yeah, and he was just saying hello. You didn’t need to bite his head off." Hyunjin didn’t seem to have an answer to that, and Jisung shook his head. "I’m going to order and go home," he said slowly. "And you are going to calm down and apologise."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He turned away before Hyunjin could reply, heading for the counter. "Hey, Minho. Sorry we got interrupted. How are cheesecake sales going?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Minho gave him a slightly watery smile. "Better now you’re here, I’m sure."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jisung grinned as brightly as he could, watching Minho’s smile widen a little at the sight of it. "Yup! I’ll have a large chai latte, a slice of the chocolate cheesecake, and a slice of the raspberry and white chocolate."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Minho shook his head. "How the hell do you stay so skinny?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Oh, I channel the cheesecake directly into my bones," Jisung said, and Minho gave a slight laugh. It wasn’t perfect; that was the kind of absurd joke that would normally set Minho laughing at full volume. But it was a start.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Are you staying in?" he asked, voice a little stronger.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Nah, taking away."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Ok. I’ll box it up for you."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Thanks, Minho." He dropped a generous tip into the jar as he paid, and Minho sniffed a little as though he might cry.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jisung didn’t say goodbye to Hyunjin on his way out. He could feel his gaze, heavy and sad on his back, but he didn’t turn.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He pulled his phone out once he was back home, scrolling through for Minho’s number. The cafe owner had given it to him months ago so that Jisung could send him suggestions for cheesecake flavours, but they didn’t message much.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Jisung</span>
  </em>
  <span>: did he apologise to you?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Minho didn’t answer immediately. He was working, Jisung supposed. In the meantime, he drank his latte and attempted one of the assignments he actually did have, scrolling through endless papers to find a citation for a single sentence.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eventually, his phone buzzed.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Minho set your nickname to cheesecake bones</span>
  </em>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Minho</span>
  </em>
  <span>: yeah he did</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Minho</span>
  </em>
  <span>: like 6 times</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Minho</span>
  </em>
  <span>: i think he actually felt bad<br/></span>
  <em>
    <span>c</span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>heesecake bones</span>
  </em>
  <span>: good he was an asshole</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Minho</span>
  </em>
  <span>: ngl he seems super worried about you</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Minho</span>
  </em>
  <span>: have i missed any worrying signs</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Minho</span>
  </em>
  <span>: your cheesecake consumption is stable</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>cheesecake bones</span>
  </em>
  <span>: haha no i’m fine</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>cheesecake bones</span>
  </em>
  <span>: he’s just overreacting</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Minho</span>
  </em>
  <span>: yeah bc he likes you and he doesn’t want his crush to be upset by anything</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>cheesecake bones</span>
  </em>
  <span>: Minho we’ve been over this</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>cheesecake bones</span>
  </em>
  <span>: he’s just my friend</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Minho</span>
  </em>
  <span>: sure</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Minho</span>
  </em>
  <span>: for now</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jisung turned off his phone. Minho was just misinterpreting as always. There was nothing there. Hyunjin was just worried about him in the way all his friends were worried lately.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He started to feel a blurriness in his head, the odd pressure that built up when things got too much, and he almost wanted to laugh. This was why he’d started hiking. Not for a stone circle, or a past life. Just to clear this damned </span>
  <em>
    <span>pressure</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He’d go again soon, Jisung decided. Head up the opposite end of the line of hills, where stone circles didn’t haunt him. Fill his skull with clean air and birdsong, so nothing else could fit. Perhaps he’d feel better then.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But the persistent ache of the cold in his chest told him otherwise.</span>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jisung woke late the next day, still shivering despite being bundled in blankets; he scrolled through the group chat to find that the others had already headed over to Minho’s. He had a multitude of texts asking if he wanted to come with them, and he typed out a quick reply.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Jisung</span>
  </em>
  <span>: sorry, I was asleep (i literally just woke up) but i’ll see you guys soon!</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Changbin</span>
  </em>
  <span>: wow you were wiped out huh</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Changbin</span>
  </em>
  <span>: it’s like 2pm</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Jisung</span>
  </em>
  <span>: yeah… a sofa day i think</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Seungmin</span>
  </em>
  <span>: you don’t own a sofa</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Jisung</span>
  </em>
  <span>: the point stands</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Felix messaged him privately before anyone else could reply.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Felix</span>
  </em>
  <span>: you still good for movies? It’s ok if you want to stay home<br/></span>
  <em>
    <span>Jisung</span>
  </em>
  <span>: nah man it’s been a while i am definitely coming over</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Felix</span>
  </em>
  <span>: yay! 6 ok?<br/></span>
  <em>
    <span>Jisung</span>
  </em>
  <span>: 6 is great! I’ll see you then</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He whiled away the rest of the day with assignments, ignoring the cold tugging at his stomach; it took more strength of will than he had thought it would, to avoid heading up into the forest, searching for the circle again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But Jisung wasn’t sure he wanted to see Hyunjin right then.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was almost dark by the time he caught the bus over to Felix and Changbin’s, most of the seats empty. It wasn’t really a commuter route, he supposed, despite getting caught for a while in the rush hour traffic as people did their best to get home.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Felix answered the door as soon as Jisung knocked, Changbin waving vaguely from the sofa.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Hey!" Felix said brightly. "You good?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Yeah," Jisung said, wandering into their flat. "I bought snacks."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Did you get maltesers?" Changbin asked, and Jisung tossed a packet in his general direction. "Thanks."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Come on," Felix said, taking a bag from him. "I’ve got my laptop set up."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Nice."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The two of them sat quietly for most of Princess Mononoke, exchanging food and the occasional comment about the animation or the soundtrack. But once the credits started rolling, Felix shifted, turning to face Jisung slightly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"It’s good to see you," he said softly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Yeah, it’s good to see you, too," Jisung replied.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"No, I mean it, Jisung. It’s like you’re barely here lately, it’s just… it’s good. To see you."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jisung didn’t quite know what to say to that.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You know Hyunjin’s really worried about you, right?" Felix continued. "Like insanely worried."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jisung shifted uncomfortably. Both Felix </span>
  <em>
    <span>and</span>
  </em>
  <span> Seungmin had now tried to impress the weight of this upon him. "I… I don’t think he’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>that</span>
  </em>
  <span> worried," he said. "He shouldn’t be, at least."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Felix snorted. "Well, he is. I swear he messages both me and Changbin every day to ask if we’ve heard from you. He’s scared, Jisung. It’s not like you to ignore him."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I’m not doing it on purpose," Jisung protested. "I saw him yesterday, at Minho’s."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Yeah, and that went well," Felix pointed out. "He texted me saying he snapped at Minho and he felt awful."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"He was kind of rude," Jisung agreed. "He apologised though."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Good," Felix said. "But other than that, Jisung… no one’s seen you at all."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I’m just… I’m busy lately," Jisung told him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Doing what? You’re not hanging out with us, you always used to tell us every little detail about your assignments." Felix sighed. "I don’t want to yell at you. That’s not the point. The point is that we all miss you. Especially Hyunjin. He’s going insane trying to figure out what he’s done to get you to act like this."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"He’s not </span>
  <em>
    <span>done </span>
  </em>
  <span>anything," Jisung said with a sigh. "I’ll message him. Try to calm him down."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Ok," Felix said slowly, something in his expression telling him that he didn’t quite believe it. "Message Seungmin while you’re at it. He got super close to asking Jeongin out today, but he bailed at the last minute. He needs encouragement."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I’ll do my best," Jisung promised.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Nice. Want to watch Nausicaa?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"There’s only one answer to that."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Felix laughed as he flicked through for the film, settling down with his head on Jisung’s shoulder as it started. "God, you’re cold," he muttered.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Sorry."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Not your fault." Silence, for a moment. "I’ve missed you," Felix said quietly, and Jisung could only find it in him to squeeze his hand gently in reply.</span>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>Minho’s text the next day was more than a little unexpected.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Minho</span>
  </em>
  <span>: hey do you want to meet up? I’m thinking myself in circles around something and I could really use your help</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>cheesecake bones</span>
  </em>
  <span>: you ok?</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Minho</span>
  </em>
  <span>: there’s been a tiny bit of stress crying</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Minho</span>
  </em>
  <span>: but overall I’m fine</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>cheesecake bones</span>
  </em>
  <span>: ok, where do you want to meet?</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Minho</span>
  </em>
  <span>: the cafe nearest to the campus? The one that gives you coffee in antique teacups</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>cheesecake bones</span>
  </em>
  <span>: of course you like that place</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>cheesecake bones</span>
  </em>
  <span>: i’ll meet you there in an hour?</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Minho</span>
  </em>
  <span>: thank you</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Minho</span>
  </em>
  <span>: this really means a lot</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Minho</span>
  </em>
  <span>: &lt;3</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>cheesecake bones</span>
  </em>
  <span>: &lt;3</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Minho was already at the cafe when Jisung arrived, sitting outside and sipping on something that looked, to Jisung’s eye at least, like normal coffee.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It didn’t </span>
  <em>
    <span>smell</span>
  </em>
  <span> like normal coffee.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"What you got there?" Jisung asked as he dumped his bag on the opposite chair.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Minho took a sip and smiled. "Americano with bubblegum syrup," he replied casually, and Jisung stared blankly at him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Well," he said eventually. "Add that to the list of things I’m never ordering."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"If you can’t appreciate the harmony of bitter and sweet, that’s on you," Minho told him, and Jisung shook his head.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I’m gonna go order, I’ll be out in a sec, ok? Then we can talk."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Minho nodded. "Thanks again for this. Really."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Not a problem."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jisung ordered a herbal tea to help with the growing cold in his chest, along with a macaron, and headed back outside to sit with Minho. It was a nice day to sit outside, he thought. Bright and warm, with a gentle breeze. More like summer than spring.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Despite the warmth on his skin, he couldn't stop shivering.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"So," he asked. "What’s up?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Minho stared at his drink for a moment. "So," he said eventually. "Chan."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Chan," Jisung repeated.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Is he… does he like guys?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Yup."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Oh." Minho bit his lip. "Do you think he could... like me?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He sounded so shy, so unsure, and Jisung felt his heart melt a little. "You were stress crying about whether Chan would date you?" he asked gently.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Minho gave a small shrug. "I’m not- I’m not good at it," he admitted. "Dating. Guys ask me out and then they find out that I’m actually kind of awkward on my own and I say weird things that don’t make sense to them and then they never text me again and I get sad."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I don’t think Chan would be like that," Jisung told him, reaching for his hand across the table. "Trust me, he’s silly and strange and I think the only reason he doesn’t order bubblegum americanos is that the combination of sugar and caffeine would send him straight to another dimension." Minho laughed at that, eyes shining, and Jisung felt his heart settle in his chest. "Ask him, Minho," he said softly. "Or flirt with him a little. Judging by the way he looks at you, I think he’s at least interested, and I promise he’s not the type of guy to just leave you hanging."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"No," Minho said softly. "I guess not." A shadow fell over their table, and Minho glanced up. "Oh. Hey, Hyunjin."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jisung turned to see Hyunjin standing just behind his chair, looking between the two of them. His gaze focused on Jisung, and he didn’t quite know how to react.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Can I- Can I talk to you for a second?" Hyunjin asked, and Jisung glanced at Minho. He nodded, and Jisung got to his feet, following Hyunjin a little way down the street. "</span>
  <span>So you’re ignoring us but not him?" Hyunjin asked sharply before Jisung could speak.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"What?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You’ve been cancelling on us constantly, Jisung, ignoring our fucking texts- Felix is the only person who’s seen you, and he said you were weird and distant and wouldn’t answer his questions. And then- then I see you here with him, looking like nothing’s wrong at all? What’s up with that?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Minho needed my help with something," Jisung said slowly and Hyunjin laughed in disbelief, pushing his hair back from his forehead.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"And we don’t need you?" he asked. "We all miss you, Jisung, you were always so good to us, and you’ve just- dropped us. To hang out with him, I guess."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I came because he was upset, Hyunjin," Jisung told him, trying to keep his voice steady.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Oh, was he?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Something in his tone caught Jisung’s attention, and he stepped closer. "What the hell does that mean?" he asked quietly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"It means," Hyunjin said, leaning down a little, "that you’re an idiot if you think he doesn’t want anything from you."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jisung couldn’t help but laugh as his meaning sank in, and Hyunjin frowned as he did so, expression darkening. "What, you think Minho wants to screw me?" he asked, too loud in the street full of people. "Well he’s sure going the right way about it by asking me how he can ask Chan on a date, isn’t he?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hyunjin blinked, apparently shocked, and somehow it just added fuel to the flames. How </span>
  <em>
    <span>dare</span>
  </em>
  <span> he? How dare he try to pull Jisung away from someone as soon as he thought they wanted him? How dare he treat Jisung like a child when Jisung had been the one to protect him all those centuries ago, had been the only reason he survived his father?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Jisung-"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"And frankly, Hyunjin, I don’t see how it’s any of your damn business what anyone wants from me," Jisung continued bluntly. "At all." </span>
  <em>
    <span>Not you don’t want me</span>
  </em>
  <span>, he didn’t say. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Not when you’ve never wanted me.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>"Jisung- I-" Hyunjin stuttered. "I’m trying to help you, I want to take care of you-"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Do you?" Jisung asked. "Or do you just want to make sure I’m always there for </span>
  <em>
    <span>you</span>
  </em>
  <span><em>?</em> Do you just want to keep things the way they’ve always been, with me trailing around after you like some stray dog?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hyunjin looked like he was panicking now, shaken by the turn the conversation had taken. "Hey-"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You’re not my whole world, Hyunjin," Jisung spat. "You’d better come to terms with that pretty damn soon." He turned before he could reply, pushing through the crowds back to his and Minho’s table. Grabbing his bag, he ignored Hyunjin’s calls of his name.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I’ve got to go," he said to Minho. "See you soon."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"What- Jisung, are you ok?" Minho asked as he started to walk away.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I’ll text you!" Jisung called over his shoulder as he broke into a run, trying to put as much space between himself and Hyunjin as possible. He didn’t head home.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jisung didn’t stop when he reached the edge of the forest. He kept running, struggling to breathe as the slope steepened, and didn’t stop until he tripped on a root and collapsed, letting out something between a swear word and a sob.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Picking the splinters out of his hands, Jisung did his best to breathe evenly, his lungs feeling like they were encased in ice even as the forest air cleared some of the anger from his head. That wasn’t the first big argument he and Hyunjin had ever had; they’d argued over petty things as teenagers, as many teenagers do, reconciling hours or even minutes later. But this… this felt different. This felt like they were chipping cracks in the wall they’d built around the two of them. Watching it crumble as the foundations caved in.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>You’re not my whole world</span>
  </em>
  <span>, he’d said. It was true. Hyunjin wasn’t the only good thing Jisung had.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But more and more, it felt like he was the only one that mattered.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He sighed, pressing his palms to his eyes. It had been bound to happen eventually. They wanted different things. Hyunjin wanted a friend, someone to confide in, someone to be his best man at his wedding. And Jisung…</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jisung just wanted Hyunjin to </span>
  <em>
    <span>want</span>
  </em>
  <span> him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He let himself cry, then, releasing the tears he’d managed to hold in as they argued. It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t </span>
  <em>
    <span>fair </span>
  </em>
  <span>for him to be in love for so long and get nothing back. For his heart to be so bruised and still only beat for one person.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jisung got to his feet, still sobbing, and began to climb higher through the woods.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He felt his tears freeze to his cheeks.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And when he reached out, he found silver lichen and ancient stone.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. my light in the darkness</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>More angst! Please also note the sexual content tag for this chapter, it's nothing explicit but it is implied!</p><p>I feel like now is also a good time to mention that if you want A Vibe for this fic, the song that REALLY inspired me to write it was You're Somebody Else by Flora Cash; give it a listen if you like, it very much suits this chapter onwards especially.</p><p>Next update Saturday &lt;3</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>The first thing Jisung noticed was the heat. The stone circle had been cold as always, stone and ice and mist; but wherever he was now was quite the opposite. And his </span>
  <em>
    <span>clothes</span>
  </em>
  <span>; they were sweltering, heavy layers of silk and brocade unsuited to the Italian summer.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Italy, he realised. He knew that he was in Italy.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Why the hell had he spent a past life in </span>
  <em>
    <span>Italy?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>He tried to shake off the question. Hyunjin. He had to find Hyunjin. He was always somewhere close by.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jisung headed out onto the balcony. </span>
  <em>
    <span>His </span>
  </em>
  <span>balcony, he thought. He owned this building. He couldn’t quite grasp more than that, memories of too many lives struggling to fit inside his skull.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>A letter rested on the balustrade. Jisung picked it up, the paper heavy in his hand. It was expensive, he could tell that much. And the ink… smooth as silk. He traced the curves of the words with his fingertips. The word </span>
  <em>
    <span>carissimo</span>
  </em>
  <span>, in handwriting he knew better than the lines of the veins in his wrists. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Dearest</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He opened the letter carefully, returning inside and away from the hustle and bustle of the carts and people in the streets. It felt important, somehow, to read this in secret.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Meet me at our oldest haunt as the sun sets; my light in the dark, I have missed you these past months.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>The letter wasn’t signed, but Jisung knew who it was from. It had to be Hyunjin.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It had to be.</span>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>As the sun began to sink in the sky, Jisung let his feet carry him blindly through the streets. He had to trust that he - that his past - knew where he was going. Hyunjin said they’d met there before, anyway. How many times, he wondered? Over how many years?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>A lot of things about that letter had confused Jisung. The secrecy. The desperation in it. </span>
  <em>
    <span>My light in the dark</span>
  </em>
  <span>. That was what Hyunjin had called him. It wasn’t unlike Hyunjin to be dramatic, if Jisung thought about it. But that... perhaps it was a quirk of the time period. 1659, he’d realised, past life clicking into place. Only a few hundred years after their last encounter.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jisung rounded a corner by a boarded up theatre, and was surprised to find himself heading down a tiny set of stairs; they led into a cellar, dark and surprisingly cold compared to the heat of the evening.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Up another set of stairs he went, climbing carefully into the main body of the building. He was in the abandoned theatre he realised; the seats worn and broken; the open space for performers furnished with an old bed and a rough table and chairs that had perhaps been used for productions; birds nesting in the beams where faint dust motes floated in the sunlight from windows too high to board up.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Jisung." Hyunjin’s voice came from behind him, and Jisung barely had time to turn before he was embraced, Hyunjin’s hands shaking as they settled on Jisung’s back. "</span>
  <em>
    <span>Jisung</span>
  </em>
  <span>. It’s been too long."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"It has," Jisung said softly, breathing in the scent of Hyunjin’s clothes. There was something unfamiliar about it, as though he’d been travelling, had walked among new air.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Were you followed?" Hyunjin asked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"No. No one saw me," Jisung confirmed. He was sure they hadn’t, he realised. He had dressed unlike himself on instinct, checking for prying eyes at every turn. No one had seen him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Why had he been checking? What were they doing wrong that they might be followed?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Good," Hyunjin said breathlessly, pulling away to run the back of his hand down Jisung’s cheek. It was gentle; a caress, tenderness incarnate. And the look in Hyunjin’s eyes…</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Oh</span>
  </em>
  <span>, thought Jisung. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Oh, it can’t be</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I’ve missed you so, Jisung," Hyunjin murmured. "All those months without you, I don’t know how I survived."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He kissed Jisung before even giving him a chance to reply, sweet and insistent and desperate. Jisung returned the kiss without thinking, forgetting in the flow of this life that Hyunjin was no more than a friend to him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Did you miss me, too?" Hyunjin asked against his lips, pressing one more kiss there before he pulled away a fraction to give him space to answer.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Like the sun misses the sea after it has risen," Jisung replied without thinking, the words tripping off his tongue as Hyunjin ducked his head down to kiss his neck. "Like the bird misses the sun so that it might sing. Like the forest misses the bird as it watches him fly south for the winter."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Such pretty words," Hyunjin murmured close to his ear. "I’ve missed your words, my light, my love, I’ve </span>
  <em>
    <span>missed </span>
  </em>
  <span>them." He paused, hands settling on Jisung’s waist as he lifted his head to press their foreheads together. "I yearned for you," he whispered. "Every second of every day, I thought about you. I dreamed of you."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I dreamed of you, too," Jisung told him softly. He couldn’t quite tell which version of him was saying it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He let Hyunjin kiss him again, trying to push down the guilt of it. He was kissing Hyunjin. His best friend, who he’d been in love with since they were fifteen.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And, he realised in a sudden moment of clarity, Hyunjin was </span>
  <em>
    <span>undressing</span>
  </em>
  <span> him. Jisung could feel the warmth of Hyunjin’s hands against his skin, slipping under his clothes as he pulled at their laces and cords with practised ease, kissing Jisung like it gave him the air he needed to breathe.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jisung panicked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Stop- stop, Hyunjin, please-" He tugged on Hyunjin’s wrists, wrenching his hands from his skin, and Hyunjin pulled away immediately, eyes wide and full of something Jisung couldn’t quite read. Silence settled between them, and Jisung watched as Hyunjin seemed to shrink down, posture losing the easy confidence joy had given it. He was staring at something, and Jisung realised his line of sight was focused on a crucifix hanging on a cord around Jisung’s neck, visible between the open lacings of his shirt.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Did you change your mind?" Hyunjin asked softly. The words were heavy somehow, and it made Jisung’s chest ache to hear Hyunjin speak that way.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"About what?" he asked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hyunjin looked away. "The first time- you said to me-" he stopped, apparently blinking away tears, and Jisung waited. He hated seeing Hyunjin cry. "You told me that you would choose me over salvation," Hyunjin finished in a whisper, and everything clicked into place.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>17th Century Italy. Of </span>
  <em>
    <span>course</span>
  </em>
  <span> Jisung hadn’t wanted to be followed to a rendezvous with his male lover. Of course they were hiding. Of course they both felt guilty for it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But Jisung had said that? That he would choose Hyunjin over salvation, over Heaven?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I understand if you’ve changed your mind," Hyunjin said quietly. His voice sounded flat, and Jisung knew he was hiding the pain the thought brought to him. "I understand if you want to be forgiven."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I don’t want forgiveness for you," Jisung said without thinking. "I don’t want forgiveness for love."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hyunjin smiled, soft and sad. "I do. I want you to be forgiven." He stepped closer again, brushing a thumb over Jisung’s cheek. "My light in the darkness," he murmured. "I want so badly for you to be forgiven. But I can’t seem to give you up."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"It’s not your choice," Jisung told him, holding his wrist so that he couldn’t pull away. "I meant it. When I said I’d choose you over salvation. I swear I meant it. Every time, I’d choose you."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Jisung- you don’t have to- if you’re not sure, I-"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jisung interrupted him by grasping the crucifix around his neck and pulling hard, snapping the long-worn cord. Hyunjin’s eyes widened as he cast it aside, and Jisung kissed him hard before he could say a word against the action.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He hesitated for the briefest moment before he reached back for the laces of Hyunjin’s doublet. Jisung couldn’t deny that it was something he’d thought about; it was difficult, to be in love with someone so beautiful as Hyunjin and not </span>
  <em>
    <span>want</span>
  </em>
  <span> to some degree.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But Hyunjin was his best friend. Nothing more.</span>
</p><p>
  <span><em>This</em> Hyunjin was more, though. This Hyunjin wanted him in a way his own never would. This Hyunjin had loved Jisung for years, called him his light in the darkness, had been willing to surrender his immortal soul to make love to him in an abandoned theatre.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>This Hyunjin tasted of dust and figs and wine, and Jisung didn’t think he’d ever get enough of it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>This Hyunjin was </span>
  <em>
    <span>his</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And that was all Jisung wanted.</span>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>He could hear, in the aftermath of it all, sunlight fully faded from the high windows, Hyunjin’s voice. He was whispering, lips against the bare skin of Jisung’s shoulder, and Jisung listened in silence.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Forgive him, Father," Hyunjin was saying. "Let his soul be cleared of sin. Let me bear it for him, Father, let him be saved. Please. Let him not be damned for a sin I led him to. Let me save him."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And Jisung cried, as silently as he could, listening to Hyunjin pray.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>This Hyunjin, who loved him. Who wanted him. Who would face damnation for him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Who didn’t belong to him.</span>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>They parted ways once the bells rang out midnight; they had helped each other dress, sharing kisses as they did so. Hyunjin had picked up the crucifix from the floor, pressed it into Jisung’s palm.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Please," he had said. "Please don’t abandon Him." Jisung had closed his hand around it without a word.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jisung wandered the streets a while before he headed to his home, enjoying the scent of the nights in this place. It was beautiful. Like nothing he’d ever seen.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The edge of his crucifix bit into his palm, and Jisung felt sick.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He returned home at around two in the morning, his servants not questioning where he’d been. He’d had </span>
  <em>
    <span>servants </span>
  </em>
  <span>in this life. He’d had everything he wanted.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He’d had Hyunjin.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jisung sighed, holding the crucifix before his eyes and watching it swing. They’d suffered, in this life. He wondered how they’d survived it. The secrecy. </span>
  <span>He thought back to muttered prayers against his skin. Perhaps that had been survival. Some hope for Hyunjin to cling to; that Jisung, at least, would be forgiven for the sin they shared.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The necklace still in his hand, Jisung fell asleep.</span>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jisung wasn’t surprised when he woke up freezing in his own bed; he was used to the magic of the circle now, the way it worked. The way it always pulled him back home after bringing him to Hyunjin.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Oh, god.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hyunjin.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jisung covered his face with his hands. What the hell had he been thinking? His skin crawled as he considered it. He’d slept with some kind of magical construct of his best friend. His best friend, who </span>
  <em>
    <span>didn’t want him</span>
  </em>
  <span>. It felt… ugly. Wrong. As though Jisung had taken advantage of him somehow.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He thought about Hyunjin’s hands on him, sure and gentle and familiar; his lips dragging over Jisung’s pulse point; the warmth of his skin against Jisung’s own, pressed together so close. It had been all he’d wanted.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But if he really thought about it, it hadn't even </span>
  <em>
    <span>been </span>
  </em>
  <span>Hyunjin. Not the Hyunjin Jisung knew. Just a stranger in his skin.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And Jisung hadn't even cared.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>God, he’d probably never be able to look at him again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>His phone buzzed as if it read his mind.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Hyunjin</span>
  </em>
  <span>: hey can we talk</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jisung didn’t answer it, tossing his phone to the foot of his bed. Hyunjin was the last person he wanted to talk to.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Another buzz of his phone. Jisung resisted for a whole five seconds before he gave in and grabbed it.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Hyunjin</span>
  </em>
  <span>: please answer me jisung i miss you</span>
</p><p><em><span>Like the</span></em> <em><span>sun misses the sea after it has risen,</span></em><span> Jisung thought to himself. </span><em><span>Like the bird misses the sun so that it might sing. Like the forest misses the bird as it watches him fly south for the winter.</span></em></p><p>
  <span>Those words weren’t something he’d forget in a hurry.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He didn’t reply.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He thought about the stone circle. About Hyunjin.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He shivered, the chill he’d been feeling lately spreading down into every limb. Even his lips were beginning to feel numb.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eventually, it lulled him into sleep.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He dreamed strange dreams. Dreams of ice coating his skin, Hyunjin kissing it away even as it flowered again, creeping and inevitable.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>You can’t stop it</span>
  </em>
  <span>, Jisung wanted to say. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Stop trying</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But how could he tell Hyunjin to leave him? How could he ask him to go when he was so warm against the cold, holding Jisung close?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But Hyunjin was losing. Even as he pressed honey-gold kisses to Jisung’s ribs, his hip bones, his sternum, the ice crawled over his eyes and his lips, sealing them closed. He thought he felt Hyunjin kiss his eyelids delicately, his mouth.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The ice didn’t melt.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And Jisung froze.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. if you needed anything</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>In which Jisung continues to make poor decisions. Only two more chapters to go... &lt;3</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Jisung was awoken by the growling of his own stomach; it was aching, and he tried to remember what day it was, when he’d last had a proper meal. He couldn’t quite bring the information to the surface, ice clouding his thoughts.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>His cupboards yielded no valid options, and Jisung sighed as he considered leaving his flat for a reason other than to find the stone circle. He’d go to the cafe, he decided eventually. It wasn’t too far, and Minho would be there.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jisung checked the date on his phone, ignoring the multitude of texts. Wednesday. He’d slept for over a day, he realised. But it worked out; Hyunjin was normally away on the other campus on Wednesdays. Little chance of running into him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Bundling himself up as best he could with shaking hands, he set off. The walk took him longer than usual, limbs oddly weak, and Jisung realised then just how cold he was; his own breath felt like ice in his throat, fingers aching when he tried to move them.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Minho was leaning on the counter when he opened the door, doodling on the wood with a biro. His eyes widened when he saw Jisung, and Jisung waved awkwardly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Hey!" Minho called. "Come closer, I think I’ve forgotten what you look like."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Very funny," Jisung replied, wandering up to the counter. The warmth of the cafe was bliss, and the thought of heading home later suddenly didn’t seem particularly appealing.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Seriously, are you ok?" Minho asked, peering at him from behind the counter. "You never texted me the other day. Hyunjin keeps asking if you’ve come in." Jisung must have obviously flinched at the name, because Minho raised a curious eyebrow. "Ok. I guess I’m not to mention that I’ve seen you, then?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"If that’s ok," Jisung agreed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You avoiding him?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Kind of."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You know you’ve got to tell me why, right? Honour among liars."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jisung sighed. He had no idea how to explain this. "We argued," he began slowly. "He… he was mad at me anyway, and then I… I slept with someone I really shouldn’t have slept with. And I feel really guilty about it, and it’ll make everything worse."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Minho frowned. "How is it any of Hyunjin’s business who you’re sleeping with? You two aren’t together."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"It just is," Jisung said wearily. He wasn’t about to tell Minho that he thought it had been a version of Hyunjin from a past life. Minho would probably just drive him straight to hospital.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Wait- Jisung." Minho glanced over to the coffee machine where Jeongin was working, and leaned in close. "It wasn’t- you didn’t sleep with Seungmin, right? If it was Seungmin I’ll never give you cheesecake again."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"What- No! No, it wasn’t </span>
  <em>
    <span>Seungmin</span>
  </em>
  <span>. God, no."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Minho shrugged, retreating back into his own space. "You said Hyunjin would be mad at you. I think he’d be upset if you slept with his brother. But I’m glad you didn’t, because he and Jeongin sorted themselves out exactly... twenty-two hours ago, so I think it would have broken my favourite employee’s heart if his boyfriend had been philandering already." The doorbell rang out, bright and clear, and Minho’s eyes widened as he looked at who’d just walked in. "Jisung- about avoiding Hyunjin-"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Jisung?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jisung’s heart dropped a mile in his chest.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hyunjin and Chan were standing beside him, soaked from the rain, and Hyunjin… Hyunjin looked so </span>
  <em>
    <span>hurt</span>
  </em>
  <span>. Scared, even, staring at Jisung like he was the only real thing in the whole cafe. Jisung looked down, not wanting to meet his eyes.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>My light in the darkness.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Hands tugging at the lacings of his shirt.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The taste of dust and figs and wine.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I thought you were sick," Chan said, a clear attempt to break the silence that was slowly filling the space between them.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"He is," Minho piped up, shooting Chan a winning smile. "And my cheesecake is the only thing that’ll fix it, right?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Yeah," Jisung muttered. "Got a craving, I guess."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You could have asked me to bring you some," Hyunjin said quietly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jisung said nothing. He didn’t know what he could say.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I texted you," Hyunjin continued, voice shaking. "My classes got cancelled, so I thought… I asked if you needed anything."</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Oh</span>
  </em>
  <span>, thought Jisung as he remembered glancing at his phone, Hyunjin’s name at the top of the list of notifications on his screen. Of course he had been the first one to approach after the other day. To try to make things right. "Yeah, I’ve… I’ve not really been checking my phone today."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Didn’t think so," Chan said. "You haven’t been answering anyone."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Been asleep," Jisung lied. "You know, rest and recovery."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The silence that followed was tense, and Jisung resisted the urge to steal a glance at Hyunjin. He wasn’t sure he wanted to see his expression anyway.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Jisung," Minho said from behind him. "I’ve boxed it up for you."</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I didn’t order anything yet,</span>
  </em>
  <span> Jisung was about to say, until he realised Minho had provided him with a means of escape. "Thanks," he said, turning back to the counter and picking up the two neat cake boxes. He scrambled in his pocket for as many pound coins as he could find, laying them on the counter. "Keep the change."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Thanks. See you around."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Yeah. Bye, guys," he muttered as he passed by Hyunjin and Chan, and he thought he heard Hyunjin speak as the door swung shut behind him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"He won’t even </span>
  <em>
    <span>look</span>
  </em>
  <span> at me, Chan."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jisung tried to push down the guilt that swelled in his stomach. This was better. Hyunjin probably wouldn’t want to be his friend anyway if he knew what he’d done. <em>I</em></span>
  <em>
    <span> know we’re just friends but I visited a past life where we were lovers and I let you fuck me because I’ve been in love with you for years and at this point I’ll take any scraps I can get, wanna hang out?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>No, Jisung decided, it was better this way. Maybe once he’d figured out how to get over him, he and Hyunjin could be friends again. Maybe.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>If Jisung ever stopped feeling guilty for Hyunjin’s hands on him. If they ever talked things through. He didn’t know if they would.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He checked his phone once he got back to his flat, scrolling through his notifications. New texts popped up as he did so, and Jisung flinched as he read them.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Chan</span>
  </em>
  <span>: ok jisung you need to tell me what the fuck is going on with you</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Chan</span>
  </em>
  <span>: hyunjin started crying pretty much as soon as you left because he thinks he’s fucked up completely and you’re going to stop being his friend and he literally can’t cope with that concept</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Chan</span>
  </em>
  <span>: he’s overthinking himself into a proper spiral</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Chan</span>
  </em>
  <span>: Jisung i swear if you don’t fucking answer me</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Chan</span>
  </em>
  <span>: you two were best friends I just don’t know why you’re doing this</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Chan</span>
  </em>
  <span>: and the rest of us too</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Chan</span>
  </em>
  <span>: we don’t understand what’s happening</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Chan</span>
  </em>
  <span>: jisung</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Chan</span>
  </em>
  <span>: answer me goddamnit</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jisung turned off his phone. He couldn’t explain. There was no way he could possibly explain.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He ate his cheesecake slowly, thanking the universe for Minho. Although he supposed he couldn’t go back to the cafe for a while. Not if he was going to get better at avoiding Hyunjin. </span>
  <span>And he had to. He had to stay away. Just until the guilt faded. Just until he could look at him without remembering prayers against his skin.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Just until then.</span>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Seungmin</span>
  </em>
  <span>: Changbin and I are coming over</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Seungmin</span>
  </em>
  <span>: I literally don’t care whether you answer me or not, we’re coming over.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The knock at Jisung’s door came around twenty minutes later.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Open this fucking door, Jisung," Changbin shouted. Jisung lay in bed, waiting to see if they’d leave. Another knock. "We can see your light."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Come on, Jisung," Seungmin said. He sounded tired. "Just let us talk to you."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jisung swung his legs out of bed, heading for the door. Changbin jumped away as he opened it, as though he’d been leaning there in preparation for staying there a while.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Wow," Changbin said. "You look like shit."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Thanks," Jisung muttered. "Come in."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They shuffled into his room, Seungmin taking the desk chair and Changbin sitting on the end of his bed. The door swung shut behind them, and Jisung waited.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Want to tell us why you aren’t talking to Hyunjin?" Seungmin asked. Jisung sighed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"We argued," he said.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"About?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Minho."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Changbin frowned. "Why were you arguing about Minho?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Hyunjin thinks he likes me," Jisung explained. "Which is dumb, because Minho likes Chan. And what’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>dumber</span>
  </em>
  <span> is that Hyunjin basically told me I was being blind and I was letting Minho manipulate me because he wants to sleep with me."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Changbin sighed heavily. "Ok. It sounds like he was out of line."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"That’s because he was," Jisung confirmed. "He doesn’t have any right to dictate who I hang out with, especially not because of that."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"No," Seungmin said bluntly from across the room. "If it were just that then you guys would have talked it out by now. He told me you wouldn’t even look him in the eye yesterday. There’s more."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jisung felt a spark of anger in his chest, dulled by ice and exhaustion. "Yeah," he said tiredly. "Yeah, there’s more. But honestly, it’s none of your fucking business."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"My brother’s been crying for days, I’m </span>
  <em>
    <span>making</span>
  </em>
  <span> it my business," Seungmin snapped, and Jisung shook his head.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Seriously, Jisung," Changbin said a little more gently, shooting Seungmin a warning look. "Apart from Hyunjin, we’re your oldest friends. If there’s something deeper going on, you can tell us. I know… I know you’ve struggled with your mental health before, and if it’s that, if… if you’re pushing us away because you don’t want to be a burden, or something… just tell us. We can get you some help."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"It’s not that."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Then tell us what it </span>
  <em>
    <span>is</span>
  </em>
  <span>, Jisung. Please."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I can’t," Jisung said quietly. "If it were anything else, I would. But… I can’t tell you this."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Why not? What damage can it possibly do?" Seungmin asked desperately. "How the fuck can it make anything worse?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jisung just shook his head again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Fine," Seungmin snapped. "You want to shut us out, consider it done. We’re here when you’re ready to stop being selfish, ok?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Seungmin-" Changbin began.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"No. No, Changbin. I get that he’s our friend, but Hyunjin is my </span>
  <em>
    <span>brother</span>
  </em>
  <span>. He’s an idiot and he’s loud and he’s tactless but this isn’t fair on him. I’m sorry, Jisung, I am, but you can’t tell anyone we didn’t try to help."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Neither of them tried to stop him as he stood, heading for the door. "I’m going back to Hyunjin’s. See you around, Changbin," he said, and Jisung felt his heart drop as he watched the door close. That was it. He’d lost another friend.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I’m sorry about him," Changbin said softly. "He’s just- He talks to Hyunjin most out of all of us. I think Hyunjin’s told him some stuff about how he’s feeling that the rest of us don’t know."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Yeah," Jisung murmured. "Probably."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You know, if it’s something you can’t talk to Seungmin about..." Changbin said slowly. "If it’s something you want to keep secret from Hyunjin… you can talk to me. It doesn’t have to be right now, you can… you can text me, or something."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Maybe," Jisung agreed vaguely. How could he say yes? How could he tell Changbin about magic stones and love affairs that weren’t even real?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I’m going to keep texting you," Changbin told him. "So just… reply whenever, ok? You’re one of my best friends, Jisung, and I hate this feeling that I’m losing you without knowing why. It’s like… there’s something you’re too fixated on to make space for the rest of the world right now." He sighed. "I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m here when it goes away and you need a friend, ok?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Thanks, Changbin," Jisung said. "That means a lot. Really, it does."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Ok," Changbin murmured, pulling him in for a brief hug. "I’ll leave you in peace. But I’m only a message away."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I know."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Good." Jisung watched him as he left, offering him a little wave as he turned to close the door. Changbin waved back, and Jisung felt warmer than he had in a while.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The feeling faded as the door shut with a soft click, and Jisung was left alone with his thoughts.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Selfish, Seungmin had called him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Was he?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Was he selfish to go to the circle, live lives that weren’t his own? Was he selfish to want so desperately to be loved that he’d seek it elsewhere? Was he selfish to push Hyunjin away?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jisung didn’t know.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He curled up on top of his duvet, considering. He wished he’d never found the stones. Wished he’d never gotten caught up in the joy of the two of them being meant to be, some kind of soulmates who were always pushed together by the universe.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He wished he hadn’t fallen in love with Hyunjin.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But he had.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And they’d been lovers once. Perhaps more than once, if he cared to look.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He held himself back for barely ten minutes before he was dressed and out the door, clad in his hiking boots and warm jacket and wielding a torch in icy hands.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Just one more look, he told himself as he headed up into the hills, walking in no particular direction.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Just one more chance for him and Hyunjin.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The mist grew thicker, and colder. His hands shook so much he dropped his torch, and Jisung headed on through the dark.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Just one more time.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. i want you to be happy</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>A short chapter today to make up for a LONG chapter on Wednesday to wrap everything up. I'll get around to replying to comments on the last chapter soon I promise, it's just A Time right now; getting through it though!</p><p>Thanks for reading &lt;3</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Jisung opened his eyes to bright lights and glittering gold. Slowly, he came to himself, adjusting to the colours and sounds of this life. Jazz. The smell of smoke and alcohol and perfume. Neat pinstripes and tassels and sequins. The 1920s. It had to be.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Hey, Jisung." Hyunjin’s voice. Right away, he was there, beautiful and elegant in a suit cut as clean as the crystal glass in his hand, and Jisung felt his heart try to rip itself in two from joy and guilt. "You still in there?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Yeah," Jisung said, still a little dazed from the transition and the shine of Hyunjin’s eyes as he leaned in close. "Sorry."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hyunjin laughed, clapping a hand on his shoulder. "Thought you held your alcohol better than that. Come on, I’ll buy you another."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Thanks."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Anything for my best drinking buddy," Hyunjin told him with mock grace, and Jisung couldn’t help but laugh at the cocky sheen on his smile. Hyunjin had never been particularly confident in their current life, always finding some detail of himself to nitpick. It was almost nice to see him so unashamedly arrogant.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hyunjin handed him a glass of what Jisung assumed was whisky, and raised his own slightly. "To the occupation," he toasted mockingly, and Jisung grinned as he tapped Hyunjin’s glass with his own.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"To the occupation."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They leaned back on the bar as they sipped their drinks, taking in the scene.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You wouldn’t think our country’s in the state it’s in, huh?" Hyunjin remarked. "Not looking at this."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Nope," Jisung agreed. "Life goes on, I guess."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I guess it does," Hyunjin said. "</span>
  <em>
    <span>God</span>
  </em>
  <span>, it’s good to speak Korean here, though."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Oh, absolutely. I get tongue-tied in Japanese."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Mr Hwang! Have you stolen my dance partner </span>
  <em>
    <span>again</span>
  </em>
  <span>?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hyunjin tilted his head back, still grinning like a wolf, as a tiny young woman approached them, dress shimmering as she passed through the lights.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Your dance partner is my drinking partner, Kitty," he pointed out. "We have to be nice about sharing him."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Well," Kitty said with a smile, "I think you’ve had him for long enough. It’s my turn."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hyunjin laughed as she lifted Jisung’s drink from his hand, draining the last of it before placing the glass down on the counter and dragging him down the stairs towards the dance floor.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Kitty</span>
  </em>
  <span>, Jisung thought. </span>
  <em>
    <span>His sweetheart since they were barely into their teens. Sharp and funny and pretty as a rose.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>They danced well together, the two of them. They’d been dancing for a long time, he supposed. Since they were children. Something about Kitty just felt </span>
  <em>
    <span>right</span>
  </em>
  <span>. Like they fit. Like she could anticipate his next move in the way no one else could.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But then he caught sight of Hyunjin draped against the balustrade, long and lean with a drink in his hand, watching Jisung with a strangely veiled expression, and his heart just </span>
  <em>
    <span>stopped</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He didn’t see Hyunjin much after that; lost him in the blur of dance partners and drinks and Kitty’s laughter. But he caught a glimpse of him as he was leaving, the shade of his suit and his hair standing out to Jisung as if everything else was monochrome.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Go on," Kitty said teasingly. "Go and say goodbye to your Mr Hwang."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Thanks, Kitty," he said in her ear, pressing a kiss to her cheek before he darted through the crowd.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hyunjin was halfway down the street before Jisung reached him. "Leaving without saying goodbye?" he called.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hyunjin turned, smiling a little, and shrugged. "You looked like you were having too much fun with Kitty," he said lightly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jisung didn’t know what to say to that.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"She wants you to propose, you know," Hyunjin said, scuffing his foot against the cobbles.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Yeah," Jisung sighed. "I know."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Are you going to?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Probably."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I think you should," Hyunjin said, and the words were a little too loud in the night, a little forced. "I want you to be happy, Jisung. And I think you would be, if you married her."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Would you?" Jisung didn’t know what made him ask the question, and apparently it caught Hyunjin a little off guard too.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Would I what?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Would you be happy? If I married Kitty."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hyunjin said nothing for a moment, and Jisung watched his breath mist in the cold night air. He must be drunk, he decided. The cold wasn’t reaching him at all.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I don’t think my happiness has anything to do with it," Hyunjin said eventually. The words were careful, as delicate as dodging mines, and Jisung felt the weight of everything they’d never said to each other in this life. It had to be their last one, he realised, given the average lifespan of someone in this time period. There wouldn’t be time for another life in the twentieth century before they were reborn in the twenty-first.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Their last life, and he didn’t even get another kiss. Didn’t even get to say he loved him. The thought hurt.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"No," Jisung agreed. "I guess it doesn’t." He gave a lazy salute, and Hyunjin returned it. "See you around, yeah?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Yeah," Hyunjin agreed, and he gave Jisung one final wolfish smile before he sauntered away, a lone figure in the streetlights.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Their last conversation, Jisung thought as he watched him leave. Everything still held back, the tension between them never addressed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They’d watched their country fall together, and neither of them could even say that they were in love.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He tried to put it aside as he went back inside, drown the thought in the music and the colours. Kissed Kitty, tasting the gin she’d been sipping all night. Drank and danced and drank more until he woke up in his own bed, shivering and hungry and listening to the cars outside as the world began to grind into 21st century motion.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Their last life.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>That was it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>No more chances.</span>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Minho</span>
  </em>
  <span>: jisung</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Minho</span>
  </em>
  <span>: i am going to give you free cheesecake for the rest of your life</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Minho</span>
  </em>
  <span>: chan came in by himself and idk i guess i was feeling brave thinking about what you said bc when i brought his coffee over i kind of asked if he wanted to maybe hang out sometime???</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Minho</span>
  </em>
  <span>: and he went PINK and then asked if i meant like a date but it was ok if i didn’t and i was like NO DEFINITELY LIKE A DATE</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Minho</span>
  </em>
  <span>: so now we’re going on a date</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Minho</span>
  </em>
  <span>: apparently he’s had a crush on me for months???? We’re both idiots?????</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Minho</span>
  </em>
  <span>: i’m guessing you’re still asleep if you’re ill or smth so i hope you feel better!! We’re going tonight i’ll let you know how it goes</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Minho</span>
  </em>
  <span>: get better soon &lt;3</span>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Minho</span>
  </em>
  <span>: I HAD SUCH A GOOD TIME AND HE SAID HE WANTED TO GO ON ANOTHER DATE WITH ME EVEN THOUGH I THINK I SAID SOME REALLY WEIRD THINGS</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Minho</span>
  </em>
  <span>: i’m not actually sure if i said weird things bc if i did he just went along with them and made it feel like a normal conversation</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Minho</span>
  </em>
  <span>: he’s so cute oh my god</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Minho</span>
  </em>
  <span>: how long do i have to wait before i start hinting that i want him to propose</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Minho</span>
  </em>
  <span>: he doesn’t think i’m weird jisung</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Minho</span>
  </em>
  <span>: he said he liked that no one else was like me</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Minho</span>
  </em>
  <span>: he said it was like finding sea glass among all the stones at the beach</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Minho</span>
  </em>
  <span>: i almost cried</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Minho</span>
  </em>
  <span>: hahaha you’re going to have a LOT to catch up on when you get back online</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Minho</span>
  </em>
  <span>: hey actually are you ok? I just checked and you haven’t been online in like. over a day.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Minho</span>
  </em>
  <span>: i’m gonna be nice and NOT ask any of your friends how you’re doing bc i think they’d break your door down</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Minho</span>
  </em>
  <span>: text me back when you can ok? I’ll bring cheesecake to your flat &lt;3</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jisung listened to his phone buzz. He couldn’t reach for it, couldn’t move for the cold. He couldn’t even uncurl his fingers from where they gripped the blanket, pulling it tight around his shoulders.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He wondered if it was Hyunjin texting him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He’d tried before, to resolve their argument, to ask if Jisung needed anything to help him get better.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And Jisung had ignored him. For his own </span>
  <em>
    <span>selfish </span>
  </em>
  <span>reasons.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He didn’t think Hyunjin would text him again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jisung missed him so much it </span>
  <em>
    <span>hurt</span>
  </em>
  <span>. Even through the numbness of the cold he could feel it; a piece of him missing, a hole in his chest, bleeding despite the frost. </span>
  <span>There was a way to stitch it closed, he knew. At least temporarily. A way to see Hyunjin again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But he was so sure he’d used up all their lives. Lived every time period they’d shared, seen every version of Hyunjin. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Loved</span>
  </em>
  <span> every version of Hyunjin.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Maybe if he went back, he could love them again. Could weave wicker in Goryeo, sail the seas, let Hyunjin kiss his skin in an abandoned theatre, dance and drink and watch from across a busy room.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Slowly, Jisung managed to uncurl his fingers from the blanket.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He just had to get back there, he told himself. He just had to see Hyunjin again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He didn’t bother with boots or warm clothes. Just staggered to his door and down the stairs, the thought of the stone circle the only thing keeping him moving.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It took him almost four hours to get far enough into the woods for the mist to descend. He breathed it in, feeling the cold ease just a little; just enough for him to walk without stumbling, just enough for him to reach out a hand.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>His fingers were so numb that he couldn’t feel the stone.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. the only one who loves me</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>The final chapter! Please, PLEASE pay attention to the tags for the 1980s for this one, but I'll reiterate here just in case: this chapter does wrap up into a happy ending, but it's also probably the heaviest chapter in terms of angst. A lot of dark stuff happens or is mentioned, and there's probably more strong language than the rest of the fic put together. But like I said, you'll get your happy ending at the end of it.</p><p>Thank you for reading, and thank you to everyone who's left comments and kudos! It really means a lot, and I love replying and saying hi to you all! I'll have some ChangLix coming up after I've taken a break from posting, so maybe look out for that in November.</p><p>Much love, Nettle &lt;3</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>
    <span>No</span>
  </em>
  <span>, Jisung thought as he glanced around. </span>
  <em>
    <span>No, this isn’t right.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>He was leaning on a street corner in the early dusk, back to dirty, neon-lit brickwork, watching the cars crawl past. From a window, someone was blasting Queen, and the look of his outfit told Jisung that he wasn’t a modern fan.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>This didn’t make sense. He’d guessed, based on the average life span, that the 1920s would be his most recent life with Hyunjin. The only explanation he could think of was that they must have died young in that one; it made sense, given the sheer volume of alcohol he’d witnessed them both consume during just one night; or perhaps they'd resisted the Japanese occupation, and that had been the end of them.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But if this was the 1980s - it was, Jisung knew, could feel it - just how short had their time been in this life?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Before he could think about it anymore, Hyunjin dropped to the street beside him. Jisung glanced up.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Did you just jump off your fucking balcony?" he asked incredulously.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hyunjin shrugged, tucking a cigarette in between Jisung’s lips and lighting it for him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Go and die, fags!" someone shouted from across the street, and Hyunjin flipped him off without breaking eye contact with Jisung.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Come on. Let’s get somewhere quieter." His accent was American, Jisung noticed. It was odd. They slumped into Hyunjin’s car together, and Jisung took a moment just to watch him as he smoked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You’re frowning," he said as Hyunjin started the engine. "Why are you frowning?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Am I not allowed to frown?" Hyunjin asked a little tersely.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Not when you’re with me," Jisung told him. "Thought I was your happy pill."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hyunjin shot him the faintest of smiles through the wisps of smoke Jisung was breathing out. "You are. But you can’t fix everything."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>That didn’t sound good. "Seriously, Hyunjin," Jisung pressed, genuinely a little worried. "What’s wrong?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I’ll tell you once we’re out of town," Hyunjin replied, and Jisung nodded, leaving him to his silence.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He watched the scenery pass by, buildings fading away into desert. It was so bleak. So beautiful. He should travel more, Jisung thought to himself. See places like this in his own life.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hyunjin made a sharp left turn, and Jisung was hit with a flash of recognition. "We heading out to the canyon?" he asked, and Hyunjin nodded. "I’d have brought booze if I knew."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Not a situation for booze," Hyunjin answered. Had it not been for the look on his face, all dark eyes and set jaw, Jisung would have laughed. The canyon was always a place to drink. Always had been, always would be.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But maybe not today.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They sat in silence when they arrived, Hyunjin leaving the engine on to keep them warm as night descended properly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"So, if we’re not here to drink," Jisung said lightly, trying to dispel the cloud over the two of them. "Are we here to fuck?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hyunjin made a vague sound that might have been a sob, apparently agitated by the question, and Jisung raised his hands in surrender. He watched as Hyunjin reached over him to the glove compartment, rustling around until he came across a sheet of paper, folded into thirds. He shoved it into Jisung’s hands, and he unfolded it carefully.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I got tested," Hyunjin said blankly as Jisung read. "For… you know." He sniffed, staring out at the night through the windshield.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Positive," Jisung read from the page. The word seemed distant, dizzying him so much the words on the paper blurred.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Yeah."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jisung didn’t know what to say. He tried to read the letter again. "Does that mean-" he asked, voice shaking. "If you’re- am I?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Maybe," Hyunjin confirmed, voice flat and calm. Jisung thought he might be in some kind of shock. It sounded like shock. "We’ve always been kinda flaky about protection."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Yeah," Jisung agreed, unable to find it funny. "Yeah, we have."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You should go get tested," Hyunjin said. "Just in case it’s negative, you know?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Yeah," Jisung replied vaguely. He knew that there wasn’t any point. He’d be reborn in the year 2000. He wouldn’t live far past this point. "I’ll stay with you," he promised, reaching for Hyunjin’s hand. "I’ll stay with you through it."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hyunjin squeezed his hand. He looked so tired, Jisung noticed. Eyes resigned and determined. "You won’t."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Hyunjin-"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You won’t stay with me because there’ll be nothing to stay through."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"What?" Jisung asked. He didn’t understand. Hyunjin turned to him, expression serious.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You’ve seen the photos of the patients on the news, Jisung," he said. "They’re turning to bones, they’re- they’re dead men walking. They’re so </span>
  <em>
    <span>sick</span>
  </em>
  <span>, Jisung, there’s everything wrong with them because this </span>
  <em>
    <span>fucking</span>
  </em>
  <span> virus just lets everything else in with it." He sighed, pushing his hair back from his forehead frantically. "I’m not doing that, Jisung," he said, and there was a tremble of hysteria in his voice then, fear and despair and desperation. Jisung didn’t know how to soothe it. "I’m not letting myself get like that. I don’t want you to see me like that."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"So, what are you going to do?" Jisung asked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hyunjin laughed then, the first time Jisung had heard it, and it sounded more like a sob. He was scared, Jisung realised. So very afraid.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I," Hyunjin began, "am going to come back here tomorrow. And I'm going to drive my car into this fucking canyon."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He sounded serious enough that Jisung had no idea how to reply. "Hyunjin," was all he managed to say.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You can’t talk me out of it," Hyunjin told him. "You can’t. There’s nothing for me here, Jisung, there’s no way to survive this. It’s not- the world won’t lose much, ok? My parents kicked me out years ago, whole fucking family disowned me and you-" he broke off, staring at Jisung in such adoration and agony that Jisung just couldn’t speak. "You’re the only one who loves me, Jisung. In this whole fucking world, it’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>just</span>
  </em>
  <span> you. So I’m not letting you watch me die like that, ok?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jisung finally found his voice. "You’re the only person who loves me, too," he said, and he watched Hyunjin struggle to maintain his composure as his expression crumpled. "If you’re positive, then I am too, right? Let’s be honest."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Jisung. Don’t."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"No," Jisung said, louder now. He was </span>
  <em>
    <span>angry</span>
  </em>
  <span> in this life, he realised. Angry at the world, angry at himself; even his romance with Hyunjin was defined by a cycle of screaming matches and tearful, passionate apologies, periods of calm lasting barely days before it started again. They were both too volatile here, heaping gasoline and kindling onto each other's fires. Burning each other out to keep warm.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Listen. I’ve been with you for nearly a year, Hyunjin, and it’s not like we took things slow from the off. And you’re right, we were always shit at remembering condoms. So, assuming you didn’t cheat and you got sick </span>
  <em>
    <span>before </span>
  </em>
  <span>you met me, that’s nearly a year, Hyunjin. Eleven months, two weeks, and one day of spending almost every day and night with you. If you’ve got HIV, so have I."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hyunjin exhaled slowly. Jisung thought he was going to cry. "Yeah," he croaked, closing his eyes. "Probably." He turned, throwing Jisung a tight smile. "You remembered our anniversary."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Of course I remembered," Jisung snapped. "I’m fucking in love with you, of course I remembered." He looked down at his hands, still fiddling with the letter. "I was gonna buy some cheap champagne and we'd… I don't know, put some cracks in the paintwork by popping the corks and then get drunk and fuck on the couch."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hyunjin grinned, and it seemed genuine. "Sounds like a pretty good anniversary," he said, and Jisung laughed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Yeah, I thought so too." He fell silent for a moment. "I guess we're not doing that now."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I guess not."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jisung looked out into the dark. The invisible edge of the canyon. "My point was," he said slowly, "that if you go, so do I."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"What?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You’re gonna drive your car into the canyon. With both of us in it."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I am </span>
  <em>
    <span>not</span>
  </em>
  <span>."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You are."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Jisung, I’m not killing you on the off chance that you’re sick, I won’t do that to you."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"But you’ll leave me alone. You’ll kill yourself and you’ll leave me."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Jisung-"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"What if I am sick?" Jisung pointed out. "What if I’m sick and you’ve left me? What if I have to sit in hospital by myself because you </span>
  <em>
    <span>left me</span>
  </em>
  <span>? What if I’m not sick? What if I’m healthy and my boyfriend killed himself? And I have to live, by myself, in a city where half the people want to shoot me for being gay and the </span>
  <em>
    <span>other </span>
  </em>
  <span>half want to shoot me because I'm Asian? Did you think about that?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Jisung," Hyunjin whispered. It sounded like he might be crying in earnest this time. It wasn’t like him to get upset during arguments. Normally he shouted right back, hands waving wildly and eyes darkening. But not this time. Not when there was nothing really left to fight for.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You go, I go," Jisung told him. "I mean it."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He watched Hyunjin’s fingers flex on the steering wheel, watched his jaw work as he thought.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Do you wanna do it now?" he asked eventually.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Not like tomorrow’s going to change anything."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Are you absolutely sure? Down to your soul, Jisung, are you </span>
  <em>
    <span>sure</span>
  </em>
  <span><em>?</em> Because once this car starts moving it’s not stopping."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jisung thought about it for the briefest moment. It made perfect sense, for the two of them to die so young in this life. Two boys, barely out of their teens, sick and scared and only just realising they weren't immortal. Their future more uncertain than it had ever been. And he'd see Hyunjin again, even if it wasn't this Hyunjin, wild and reckless and beautiful in the glow of neon nightclubs and cigarette tips.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jisung would see him again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Yeah," he said, voice steadier than he’d thought it would be. "I’m sure."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hyunjin turned to him then, eyes shining in the dim light of the car. He was so beautiful, Jisung realised all over again. So very beautiful.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"How are you not scared?" he whispered. "How are you so ready to die?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I’m not," Jisung told him. "I’m terrified. But you’re here, so I know it’ll be ok."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hyunjin didn’t appear to know what to say to that for a moment, opening his mouth as though to protest and then closing it again. Without warning, he leaned across the gap between their seats and kissed Jisung hard; he could feel the fear in it, the desperation, could feel Hyunjin shaking like a flame in the breeze. "Han Jisung," he whispered as he pulled away, "I love you."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"And I love you, Hwang Hyunjin," Jisung replied. It felt good to say it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hyunjin settled in his seat. His hand hesitated on the gear stick. "Together," he said, perhaps more to himself than to Jisung.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Together," Jisung confirmed, placing his hand over Hyunjin’s.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hyunjin looked at him. Nodded.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jisung nodded back.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hyunjin shifted into gear, and put his foot down on the accelerator.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jisung closed his eyes.</span>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jisung awoke sobbing into his pillow. He couldn’t breathe, choking on tears and the ache of cold in his lungs that wouldn’t fade. He pulled his knees to his chest and cried, desperate sobs that he couldn’t stop, dragged from his chest like someone was hauling out his heart. He cried until his head ached and his eyes burned and his throat stung.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He and Hyunjin had died together. He and Hyunjin had loved each other and held hands and shared cigarettes in public while people jeered and hurled every insult at them. They had been wild and furious and so, </span>
  <em>
    <span>so </span>
  </em>
  <span>in love despite it all.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They had been too young to die.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>You’re the only one who loves me</span>
  </em>
  <span>, Hyunjin had said. And </span>
  <em>
    <span>god</span>
  </em>
  <span>, Jisung loved him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He reached for his phone, barely able to type through the ice in his fingertips.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Jisung</span>
  </em>
  <span>: hey are you awake</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Jisung</span>
  </em>
  <span>: i need to talk to you</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Jisung</span>
  </em>
  <span>: please</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Hyunjin</span>
  </em>
  <span>: oh so now you wanna talk to me</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Hyunjin</span>
  </em>
  <span>: you’ve been ignoring me for days</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Jisung</span>
  </em>
  <span>: I know</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Jisung</span>
  </em>
  <span>: i’ms orry</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Jisung</span>
  </em>
  <span>: *I’m sorry</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Jisung</span>
  </em>
  <span>: I can’t waste anymore time</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Jisung</span>
  </em>
  <span>: I need to talk to you</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <em>H</em>
    <em>yunjin</em>
  </span>
  <span>: ok</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Hyunjin</span>
  </em>
  <span>: is everything ok?</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Hyunjin</span>
  </em>
  <span>: jisung</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Hyunjin</span>
  </em>
  <span>: what do you mean you can’t waste any more time</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Hyunjin</span>
  </em>
  <span>: jisung are you ok</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Jisung</span>
  </em>
  <span>: dw</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Jisung</span>
  </em>
  <span>: just need to get smth off my chest</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Hyunjin</span>
  </em>
  <span>: ok</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Hyunjin</span>
  </em>
  <span>: i’ll be at yours tomorrow</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Jisung</span>
  </em>
  <span>: thank you</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <em>
    <span>Hyunjin</span>
  </em>
  <span>: go the fuck to sleep</span>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>Hyunjin knocked on Jisung’s door at around ten the next morning; Jisung was wide awake, having barely slept the night before. He was too cold to sleep, too cold to do anything except wait.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hyunjin was coming, he had kept on telling himself. Hyunjin would be here soon.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He'd tried not to think about what would happen after he arrived.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Coming," Jisung called, making his way towards the door on shaking legs. His voice fell flat, frozen on his tongue rather than carrying to the door.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But when he opened it, Hyunjin was still waiting on the other side. He looked tired, Jisung thought, eyes a little red from lack of sleep or from tears, hair unkempt as though he hadn’t showered. He supposed he didn’t look much better.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Hi," he said awkwardly. "Come on in."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hyunjin followed him into his room, standing an uncomfortable distance from him even once the door had closed behind him. He still hadn’t spoken, Jisung realised, his silence taking up more space in the room than Jisung knew how to deal with.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I’m sorry," he said. "For… everything. For disappearing, and ignoring you when you tried to fix things and… just everything." He sat down on the bed, knees too weak to keep him upright. He was so </span>
  <em>
    <span>cold</span>
  </em>
  <span>, even with Hyunjin here. He was surprised there wasn’t frost forming on his skin.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Can you tell me why?" Hyunjin asked quietly. His voice shook, and Jisung wanted so badly to reach out to him. "You- you said there was something you wanted to get off your chest."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Yeah," Jisung said, looking down at the floor rather than meeting Hyunjin’s eyes. "Yeah, there is."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Tell me, Jisung," Hyunjin said, and Jisung could almost hear a plea in his tone.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I’m trying. It’s just… it might change things. So it’s hard to say."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The mattress shifted as Hyunjin sat down beside him, and he watched Hyunjin’s hand reach hesitantly for his own.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"God, Jisung," Hyunjin muttered. "Your hands are freezing." It was nothing, really. A throwaway comment, meant to lighten the tension. But somehow, it reminded Jisung of every little thing Hyunjin had said through all their lives. Every small way he’d said he’d cared.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I’ll take you anywhere you need to go.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I owe you everything.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>My light in the darkness.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I want you to be happy.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>You’re the only one who loves me.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Perhaps things wouldn’t change so much after all. Perhaps Hyunjin would still want to be at his side, as he always had.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It couldn’t hurt to try.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I’m in love with you," Jisung said heavily. "I know- I know we’ve been friends for so long, and this might ruin things, but- I’m happy being your friend, Hyunjin, I am, I just-"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You’re… in love with me?" Hyunjin repeated faintly, searching his expression for something Jisung couldn’t name. "Jisung…"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I know," Jisung interrupted. "I know it’s stupid to hold onto something like that for this long and I know I should have just gotten over it, and you, but- I’ll try. I promise I’ll try, so we can stay friends."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"How long have you been holding onto it?" Hyunjin asked. He still sounded like he was processing, voice fluttering like silk in the wind.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Since we were fifteen," Jisung whispered. It hurt to say it out loud. "I know it’s pathetic, it really is, but I just-"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And Hyunjin laughed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He </span>
  <em>
    <span>laughed</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jisung felt it in the pit of his stomach like a blow, a dull ache of hurt through the cold. This wasn’t </span>
  <em>
    <span>funny</span>
  </em>
  <span>. This wasn’t something to laugh at, not when Jisung had just laid his heart in Hyunjin’s palm after </span>
  <em>
    <span>six years</span>
  </em>
  <span>. He pulled his hand free of Hyunjin’s grasp.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"If you think it’s funny then you can go," he said, voice shaking. "It’s not- I’m serious Hyunjin, I just told you I’m in love with you, you can’t just </span>
  <em>
    <span>laugh</span>
  </em>
  <span>."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Oh. Oh, Jisung, </span>
  <em>
    <span>no</span>
  </em>
  <span>." He felt a warm hand on his cheek, tilting his face up a little so that Hyunjin could meet his gaze. He was smiling, but Jisung thought he could see the beginnings of tears in his eyes. "I’m laughing because I’m an idiot."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You are?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Yes," Hyunjin told him, voice cracking slightly around the word. "I am. I’m an idiot who convinced himself you were straight and you’d never want him as anything more than a friend. An idiot who’s been in love with you since he was fifteen."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jisung took a moment to process that. "You- you thought I was straight? In our friendship group?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hyunjin shrugged sheepishly. "You dated that girl in high school, and you never came out or talked to me about crushes on boys…"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Because I was in love with </span>
  <em>
    <span>you</span>
  </em>
  <span>, you idiot! And yeah, I liked her, but that doesn’t mean I’m </span>
  <em>
    <span>straight</span>
  </em>
  <span>. A guy can swing both ways, Hyunjin."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hyunjin laughed again, brighter this time. "I see that now," he agreed. "But at the time I just… I assumed you just liked girls and you didn’t talk to me about it because I wouldn’t understand."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Oh," Jisung said blankly. "But… Changbin. You dated Changbin back then, even before I dated a girl."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I panicked," Hyunjin admitted softly, "When I realised how much you meant to me. I was fifteen, Jisung, I didn’t have the best emotional coping strategies. So I just… I tried to make myself feel like that for someone else. To convince myself it wasn’t anything permanent." He paused, reaching to take Jisung’s hand again. Jisung could barely feel it through the cold numbing his skin. "Obviously it didn’t work, and then Changbin met Felix, and… we broke up. But you were already dating her at that point, and I just assumed."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"So it’s my fault we took this long," Jisung whispered.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"No- Jisung." Hyunjin paused, reaching gently to brush a little of Jisung’s hair from his forehead, and Jisung honestly thought for a moment that he might die. "It’s no one’s fault, Jisung. We just… we needed time. Maybe we wouldn’t have been ready for this when we were fifteen." He squeezed Jisung’s hand, and Jisung met his eyes; soft and warm and forming crescents from his smile. "But I’ll agree it feels like it took a while," he said lightly. "Like all our past lives were leading up to this."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I think they were," Jisung murmured. "I really do."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hyunjin’s smile dropped a fraction then. "But that’s… that’s why you’ve been so distant?" he asked. "That’s why you’ve been pushing me away?" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Sort of," Jisung admitted. "I just… I wanted to get over you. I wanted things to be normal between us, and I didn’t think they could be if I…"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"If you were in love with me."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Yeah."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I started to suspect I’d been wrong about you being straight," Hyunjin told him quietly. "When you started getting close with Minho. He was just… in your space so much. And he made you laugh, and he’s gorgeous, and…" He trailed off, apparently a little embarrassed, and Jisung nudged him gently.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You wanna know why he did that? Always stood so close to me, and leaned in when he talked to me?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Wait, there was a reason?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"He’s been trying to get a rise out of you," Jisung admitted. "For my sake. He’s been telling me for months that you obviously had a thing for me, so he’s been doing stuff like that to try to make you react so I’d see that you were getting jealous and we’d get together."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Oh," Hyunjin said softly. "I… I really owe him an apology, don’t I?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Yeah. He’s been on your side the whole time."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Shit."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Silence filled the space between them for a moment, and Jisung waited for it to pass. He didn’t quite know where to go from here; he hadn’t thought that it would ever happen.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Can I kiss you?" Hyunjin asked eventually, and Jisung barely had the words to describe the tone of his voice. There was reverence there, he thought, gentle and patient and awed. Perhaps excitement, or perhaps fear, bringing a tremor to the words.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Yes," Jisung told him softly. "You can kiss me."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And Hyunjin did. It wasn’t like kissing him in the theatre; wasn’t an outpouring of desperation and adoration. It wasn’t like kissing him in his falling-apart car by the canyon, shaking and afraid.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was just Hyunjin. Kissing him. Warm and soft and hesitant despite the way Jisung could </span>
  <em>
    <span>feel</span>
  </em>
  <span> how badly he’d wanted it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Jisung, what the hell," Hyunjin said as he pulled away, leaving Jisung to follow him for a moment. "Even your mouth is cold. Have you been to a doctor?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"No," Jisung admitted.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Well, you should, ok? I think this might be something serious, I- </span>
  <em>
    <span>Jisung</span>
  </em>
  <span>. Are you listening to a single word I’m saying?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Will you stay here tonight?" Jisung asked suddenly. Hyunjin’s eyes widened.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Jisung- I-" he started to say. "I know we took a while to get to this point but that doesn’t mean- we don’t have to move fast, Jisung, I’d rather-"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"That’s not what I meant," Jisung clarified, and Hyunjin flushed red, obviously a little embarrassed by how quickly his own thoughts had escalated. "I mean, yes, at some point, preferably soon-"</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>"Jisung-"</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>"But that’s not what I meant," Jisung finished. "There’s something I need to do tomorrow, and I think I’m going to need your help."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hyunjin frowned. "Do I get to know what it is?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"No," Jisung said slowly. "Because you’ll think I’m insane. I just need you to come with me."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Is this- I wasn’t the only reason you’ve been so distant, was I?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You weren’t," Jisung admitted quietly. "There’s been something weird happening, Hyunjin, and I need to stop it."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"And you need my help?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I do."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Ok," Hyunjin agreed slowly. "I’ll help you."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Thank you," Jisung said. "I’ll explain once it’s done. I swear."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Ok," Hyunjin murmured, leaning in to kiss Jisung again, soft and sweet. "I trust you."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hyunjin stayed with Jisung for the rest of the day, holding him close to keep him as warm as possible. They whiled away the hours just talking, saying everything they hadn’t had the chance to.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I told Chan how I felt about you," Hyunjin admitted quietly. "After you came into the cafe and wouldn’t talk to me. I kind of just… broke down. I thought I’d been too obvious about it, and you’d realised how I felt and that was why you wouldn’t speak to me. He almost came here and dragged you back to the cafe so we’d talk it out."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I’m sorry," Jisung murmured. "For hurting you. I know how it feels to try to hold it in." He sighed. "I never actually told anyone. Minho guessed, I didn’t need to tell him."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I told Seungmin years ago. When we were sixteen, maybe?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Wait, he’s known all this time?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Yeah. I think he maybe guessed that you felt the same; kept telling me to get my shit together and just tell you."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Well, you fell at that hurdle."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Jisung, I’m in your bed. Ten minutes ago I was kissing you. How exactly did I fail to get my shit together?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jisung smiled. "I told you I loved you first. If you’d had your shit together </span>
  <em>
    <span>you</span>
  </em>
  <span> would have told </span>
  <em>
    <span>me</span>
  </em>
  <span>."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I suppose so," Hyunjin said, laughing. "I can tell you now."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Please do."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hyunjin pressed a quick kiss to Jisung’s lips. "I love you." Another, to his cheek. "I love you." His other cheek. "I love you."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You love me," Jisung said softly, and Hyunjin’s smile faded into something more gentle. He leaned down, kissing Jisung slowly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I do," he whispered. "I do love you."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And Jisung didn’t think he’d ever felt so happy.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They fell asleep that way, curled in Jisung’s bed, Hyunjin half on top of him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jisung didn’t dream.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But when dawn broke, he felt colder than ever before.</span>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>Hyunjin didn’t ask questions until he watched Jisung purchase a sledgehammer at the hardware store. "</span>
  <span>Ok," he said. "Now I’m even more lost than before."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Just trust me," Jisung told him. "And hold this, my hands are shaking too much."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hyunjin grunted as Jisung handed him the hammer. "God, this is heavy. Where are we going with it?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Up into the woods."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"...Ok."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Just trust me," Jisung repeated.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I do," Hyunjin promised. "But I’m going to keep being confused until this is done, I’m guessing."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Yeah, probably."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They followed the first trail into the hills Jisung found, walking at random through the trees. Jisung didn’t know if this would work. Didn’t know if he needed to be desperate to find the circle, needed fear and pain and anger.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He just did his best to focus on Hyunjin. On the past versions of him, the ache of needing to see him again. Needing to see if he was loved.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The mist came down without him noticing.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Jisung?" he heard from behind him. "Jisung, I can’t see you." There was a tremble of fear in Hyunjin’s voice, and Jisung reached out a hand behind him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I’m right here," he said. "Just take my hand, Hyunjin."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>A long moment passed, the mist chilling his skin even further, before warm fingers found his.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Ok," he said. "We’re going to walk forwards just a little further, then I’ll need you to give me the hammer."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Got it," Hyunjin said, and the two of them walked on, hand in hand, until Jisung was so cold he could feel his bones starting to crystallise.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Pass it here," he whispered, and he waited until he felt smooth wood against his palm. "I’m going to let go of your hand now. Don’t move. Don’t walk, don’t reach out, just- stay exactly where you are."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Ok," Hyunjin agreed shakily, and Jisung couldn’t tell if it was from fear or the cold.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jisung closed his fingers around the handle of the hammer, and pulled his hand away from Hyunjin’s. He wrapped his other hand around it, holding it as best he could in the cold, and swung.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The first time, he hit nothing.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He swung again, and heard the crack of stone.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Jisung?" he heard Hyunjin ask in a whisper. He didn’t reply, just struck the stone again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He heard it fall, hitting the ground with an echoing </span>
  <em>
    <span>boom</span>
  </em>
  <span> loud enough to shake the forest, and some ripple of warmth and light flared out, passing through Hyunjin and Jisung as though they weren’t even there.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The mist disappeared as though it had never been.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Jisung! Jisung, what the hell was that? What is this place? Oh my god, you’re </span>
  <em>
    <span>warm</span>
  </em>
  <span>, Jisung, look at me, are you ok?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jisung raised his head, offering Hyunjin a slight smile. Before them stood eleven stones, tall and encrusted with silver lichen. The twelfth lay shattered on the ground, the root of it like a broken tooth protruding from the soil.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Jisung, you have </span>
  <em>
    <span>so much</span>
  </em>
  <span> to explain," Hyunjin said shakily, and Jisung couldn’t help but laugh.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Yeah," he agreed. "Yeah, I do." He looked up, smiling. "Wanna go to Minho’s?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And Hyunjin laughed, loud and brilliant and beautiful, and Jisung decided that out of all the lives he’d loved him, this one was going to be the best by far.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>If you want to see more of my work, and some of the thought processes behind it, come and say hi on my shiny new (very green) tumblr! You can find me under nettlestingsoup just like you can here, and I'll be posting about stray kids, writing, and maybe the odd snippet of unpublished AUs or hints as to what I'll be posting next. I hope to see you there! &lt;3</p></blockquote></div></div>
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